controlling perfect

perfectionism: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

This is a sad truth that I am revealing to you. One that many of you already are fully aware of.

I identify with this persona. I strive to avoid all things that are less than perfect.

Here's the thing. Perfection is relative. Also, "perfectionism" is sometimes a term that is just a mask for "an obsession with control."

Control is something we are constantly told to "let go of." Let go of the need to be right, let go of the need to do things a very specific, very structured way. Let go of the expectations & the destination. Focus on the now, the journey, the loss of things being just so. Let it be what makes you up, the body in which you are living your life in.

I am someone who is constantly picking a fight. I like to be right. I like to be right so much that I don't even see myself pushing back toward people I love until I have already done it & we are looking back on the conversation. I am refusing to admit that that was what was happening. That I had to be right. I find all sorts of other things to pin it on, "no, I don't care, I was simply saying..." 

No, see, no. 

You are becoming wrapped up in that deep drive. That force that refuses to yield. When life is made up of learning & failures & becoming better, you refuse. You think because you are "attempting at making yourself better," that you actually are. But deep down, at the core of the thing, you are stubborn & ultimately, right.

Here's my thought. Just stop with the constant movement going on in your brain. There's a simple answer. Allow the words to settle like dew on blades of grass. Do not send your ray of heat, like the morning sun, to evaporate that moment of growth. Everything is not an attack. Everything doesn't have to be defended or explained. You can allow that moment to wash over you like a fresh tidal wave. The salt water grazing your skin. 

Allow it. 

Allow this to happen.

Control does ugly things to a person. When they don't allow the control to recede from their minds, hearts & lips. They become a cage. A hollow shell that refuses to look in any other direction. I have always done this this way. I will always do this this way. No, darling, no. Life doesn't work this way & anyone who tells you that it does is wrong. 

Like you. 

You are wrong. 

Often. 

Maybe what you need to allow is the realization that right & wrong is not a death sentence, or a succession, or a white flag. It does not mean that you have lost your "perfection." It just makes you look selfish, arrogant & stagnant. You refuse to grow if you do not allow yourself room to let go of control. You are standing in the face of it & saying, "yep, I am refusing to grow because my pride is more important." It doesn't work this way. You holding on to the sand only makes it push more deeply past your fingers. You must loosen that grip, dear. It isn't about being a failure, although that is something that will have to be remedied in different ways, but releasing the all-encompassing need for control. To be cliche & let it go is the only way to welcome in the growth you so strongly desire. You must change to allow the change to occur. 

You aren't going to like it all the time. You will fight it in your head. You will make a snarky comment, or smirk, or be passive aggressive. You will want to overcome those split-second responses. And the most beautiful part is, you can. Just take a breath, look out into the distance, see the wave breaking & welcome it in with open arms. The crash may feel overwhelming, but the aftermath will be sweet. 

Don't stop there. Let the waves keep crashing over you. 

Allow it. 

Don't try to control the waves. You simply can not. 

You are in a special place, love. 

Just slow it all down until you have no choice but to let go of the desire to fight.

gravitation toward the same

Sometimes I get really caught up in the act of making a decision. I toy with the idea usually, mulling it over, the concept of what I am about to do & how it will impact me, positively & negatively. Sometimes I pump up the positives so they mask the negatives. Sometimes the price tag or the amount of work something will take keeps me from committing to those decisions. Sometimes I ponder for much longer than I personally think is normal.

Today I painted my fingernails a bright, happy, in between red & hint of orange hue. One in which I've done before but it had been done so very long ago & I didn't know how I would feel about it. I had been thinking about it for close to two weeks, since the last time my go-to color of oxblood had been chipped beyond repair, and I had foregone the simple act of repainting over the many layers. Fresh nails, devoid of color for weeks made me eager for something else.

But, I found myself eyeballing the oxblood lacquer sitting on my bathroom counter. I love the way that color looks. The depth, the darkness to it. It goes with everything & I love the way it compliments everything I wear because it's neutral. But then I realized that there is more to just sticking to the same thing, to the things that are safe or comfortable. So I began my first coat of the red, hoping that I was making the right decision.

It happens so often in life. The weight of a choice is so heavy; so full of possibilities. "If I buy this thing here, I won't be able to spend any more money at any of the other stores I am in today. What if I see something I like more?" Am I simply holding out for the perfect option? Is it something worth overcoming?

I rationalize all of my decisions - whether it be choosing a new vegetable for dinner, whether or not to take an arriving bus full of people or the next one, which may be five more minutes down the road merely for the chance it may be emptier, or whether to buy something now, or save the money for later.

I am notorious for going into a store, picking something up, trying it on, carrying it around the store for way longer than I should, after having examined every rack & shelf, mentally weighing what it's worth to me to buy said item, to simply drop it back off where it came from & march out of the store. Usually I return not long later to actually buy it, whether it be that day or on the next visit to that store at a later date.

I like grey clothes. I own probably 20 things at this moment that are all fairly similar to each other that are all varying shades of grey (in fact, they probably don't vary that much at all in their shade.) I simply like grey. I like the way it looks on me & how simple it is to pair other things with it. But, it lacks excitement. There isn't much color, or life to it. It's simply a melancholy color, much like the clouds that are hanging heavy over our city right now.

I gravitate toward the same things in most areas of my life. The choice has been made so many times, and I like that choice so much, that I don't try different ones. New ones. Potentially more exciting ones.

I find in life I stick with what I know, and it can be a really bad place if I am trying to grow. It is a common frustration of mine to feel stuck, but then do very little to make the appropriate changes. Being in China has opened up this door for me. I am working on doing hard things, or moving out of the routine order of my life, to experience more.

I like the oxblood nail polish I routinely wear. I like my grey hoodies & tshirts. But I am starting to learn that there are beautiful shades of orangey-red out there in life that are waiting to be experienced. I just need to be brave enough to take the risk.

On comfort zones

I remember when I was sitting in this same Starbucks two days after moving here. I felt so alone and frustrated with my current surroundings. I remember the gloom in the seemingly endless clouds and the long hours that I had to kill before Jeremy would be off work. I remember looking out these windows up at our hotel that was a short walk away. I am again looking up at that hotel window on the 44th floor & I'm being reminded that my life has changed, dramatically. I have been learning who I am as a person. I am learning about what I'm capable of & what I am still struggling with. Being thrown into an uncomfortable situation causes you to grow up and grow up fast. The beauty of all of this is that I am starting to feel that & really feel it. Like it took me moving to China to get me to drop the facade & work on the things going on in my heart. I am learning about patience, I am learning about trust, I am learning about kindness. I am learning to open my heart to things or people I would have turned a blind eye to before. All of it is so raw, so without filter. It is there, in my face & I can either pretend like It's not my responsibility to work on it, or move into it & learn. I feel like things are shifting so much. & so differently. I have successes & setbacks on a daily basis. 

Life's greatest moments are made from uncomfortable situations, I am sure of it. I have felt some of the biggest challenges of my life here. Most of them being more internal but some have been external & the high that follows those moments of victory -- they are unreal and tip the scales of any sort of excitement I felt before. Comfort zones are something you should live in only briefly. Once you realize that you're comfortable, you should work to move out of that place. Expand the horizons of your life by opening up the doors of newness instead of kicking off your shoes & making yourself at home in the comfort zone. That's not your home, it has never been your home. Your home is out there, out in the newness of the unknown & the challenging. In the moments where you feel like you can't breathe from anxiety but suddenly, you realize what you are capable of & everything melts away into a wash of relief. You can do this, you are good enough. 

Comfort zones are just that. They are zones, not homes.

I am feeling like I am on the brink of big & exciting things. I will be going back to the states for two months in September to complete my yoga teacher training & for Amy, my lovely SIL's wedding. I still can't believe that girl is getting married. I feel like I will be viewing life there like I am the snowman inside a snow globe; slightly reserved but eager to experience. It's astounding to me how life can change so vastly in such a relatively short amount of time. One year ago from now I was packing up my small apartment, preparing to be apart from my husband for a month while he started his journey in China as an English teacher. I was newly married & feeling like I couldn't possibly be brave enough to live in such a foreign place, leaving all that I knew, everything my life consisted of (minus Jeremy) behind. But look, I did. I am. 

Life will take you places you are not expecting. You won't be prepared for them & certainly not always open to them. It will be the hardest thing to welcome those moments of uncertainty & anxiety. But,

it is in those moments that we are defined; overcoming the fear & coming out victorious on the other side.

We can only grow when we allow ourselves to roam outside that zone. Move into a place of uncharted territory & smile because you are accepting that challenge. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani