expat existence

life is a funny thing, sometimes.

we seek excitement, or change, only to feel overwhelmed by it when it hits us.

I wonder sometimes what the last few chapters of my "season in china" will look like.

My existence in this state can feel like a current flowing, back & forth. I don't always know what I'm doing where I am, or how I'm supposed to handle the things the present flow of life is throwing my way. I get restless, I feel caged, and I start to drown under the weight of all of it.

Perception does a lot to someone when they actually take the moment to reflect on the space it inhabits. I read a book about someone who's mother got cancer & the distress that created, and I shudder to think that I've ever complained about my life or living situation. As if I have any room for that when I am healthy & breathing.

I find I am frequently getting lost in identifying the most important things in my life. I feel pulled in various directions because of stigma's & expectations. I want to lead a healthy life here, mimicking the life I lead back home, where whole food's was close by, juice bars on every other corner, and the ability to run in fresh air were at my outstretched fingertips. The ability to choose those options because they were in my face constantly. There was no battle, I could just go & do. China has created a swirling vortex of challenges when it comes to my perception of health. I've had to get creative with my diet & exercise, and the motivation to stick with the things that have become so regimented in my life, so normal. So natural.

The expat life isn't one where you stick to the things you are used to. You may be able to find moments of familiarity; little gems hidden in pockets of a place. A juice bar that opens in your neighborhood, or a new sports store with yoga mats & hiking shoes available. But they are glimmers of what was once so easy in striving toward a healthy lifestyle.

I am so determined to stay healthy while I am here, that I jeopardize social connections (as they usually revolve around a mass meal of heavily oiled chinese food, or copious amounts of [sometimes fake] alcohol.) I usually choose to stay home & practice yoga or read a book than to go out and indulge in that lifestyle. It's a conundrum that I've been dealing with since I arrived. Few people, if any that I've met, have even a drop of desire to work towards a healthy lifestyle beyond trying a diet to shed a few pounds for an upcoming trip, or abstaining from drinking because it's lent. I choose to eat food I cook at home because I feel better about knowing what I'm putting inside my body, so it challenges the social aspect of "finding friends" in this city I live in. It's as if "health" has almost no place here.

This is a challenge that I am hoping to remedy, I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I feel out of place amongst the community of people who come here to have a good time & go out frequently.

Do I care too much? Am I living too stringently to allow life to happen & experience things that are new and rewarding? I fight daily with these feelings of health physically vs. potential health mentally - but I still fail to connect with others on a more intimate level. I crave real conversations that aren't just about weekend plans.

I want to work toward finding the balance without losing myself to one of the major things that I feel good about & that makes me happy - my health.

When you are so far removed from most of the things you enjoy - all the comforts of home, all the "easy" ways to connect - you cling to the things that fill you with those same feelings here. But man, do I often feel torn.

Find the balance, girl. You've got to find the balance.

Fitness & health are so strongly tied into my overall happiness & feelings of well being. It is hard for me to gain as much pleasure from eating a greasy meal with a few friends over sweating in the sun while doing sprints by the river. They are too totally different experiences - I would ordinarily choose the workout over the social stimulation. This makes me a little sad to think about now, as I am typing this.

What is more important, health or friendship?

Aren't they both equally something of value?

two years

there really are no words to describe it, because i never would have thought i could love someone more than i did that day, but it is true. i love you more than the day i walked down that aisle toward you. i love you more than the first i love you, or the hundredth or the thousandth. 

waking up next to you each day is a gift, having someone as encouraging & supportive as you inspiring me to be a better person, your arms that envelope me in warm morning hugs. your hand that always finds mine. i am always in awe of how God has so richly blessed me with you. you are an anchor, a soft whisper, a home. 

you have all of me, my love. i am so happy to be your wife.

xo, dani

may

STARTING || to take lots of night time walks with Jeremy. Balmy air in the darkness is a favorite.

FINISHING || the serial podcast. Those were the moments when I wished for longer commutes. (He totally did it, btw.)

MAKING || more time for meditation. 

CRAVING || the beach. Due to some unfortunate visa business, that's the farthest from where I'll be this month.

READING || Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. 

WATCHING || Scandal. I hate to admit that. I am pretty hooked. 

LISTENING TO || lady crush Irene Pappas's mixes on spotify. Pure gold. 

WEARING || flip flops for long days & regretting it when my feet are BLACK by the time I get home. #butmyfeetaresohot 

EATING || so much fresh pineapple. 

DRINKING  || cold pressed juices from the new juice bar near by on splurgey days.

LEARNING || how to take rest days. 

PRACTICING || patience with my computer, who is old, slow & full. Especially on days like today when I dare try to do more than one thing at a time. 

WORKING || on watering my plants daily. 

PLAYING || the "lets see how long I can go without coffee" game. I usually lose. 

TRAVELING || to Chengdu & Jiuzhaigou for our 2 year Anniversary. I'm just gonna lay on a bench there & pretend I'm on a beach.

WANTING || citronella candles for our balcony.

PLANNING || on watching a whole lotta mindless movies & TV while riding a bus 8 hours (each way) this weekend.

HOPING || for a bomb-tastic anni trip & exciting few weeks to follow. Summer is coming!!!

May, you bring so much happiness.

spring

                    

                     

                        

                     

                     

A few weeks ago (realistically, it was more like over a month ago.) Jeremy & I went on a day trip out of the city with a friend of ours who's son I teach English to. She had been telling us about the flowers in the country side and how the air is so incredible at this time of year. So, we took the hour drive out of Chongqing's busy city and climbed up some small hills to take in the beauty of the season.

At the top of one of these hills was a plot of land being tended by a few local farmers. My friend, who's English name is Irene, asked them if we could purchase some of their vegetables. We spent some time picking some organic leafy greens to take back to the city with us.

It smelled like magic during our walk. The air had a crispness to it that I hadn't smelled in a long time. Taking in the Chinese countryside is something I get excited about. Seeing little villages nestled in the hills, farmers picking their spring crop of vegetables, stray dogs sleeping under big trees. Flower petals dusting the old cracked sidewalks. Ducks and chickens mingling around small yards. It is a such a welcome respite from the busy city.

april

STARTING ||  to feel much more like myself after months of clouds. Sunshine is truly like medicine.

FINISHING || a series of yoga classes for my YTT - one more requirement down!

MAKING || plans for my balcony. I'm thinking a little wooden table, some flower pots & some string lights. 

CRAVING || some crumbly blue stilton. I'm way overdue for a cheese plate.

READING || Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan (just finished & it was so good.) & Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali 

WATCHING || a very wide mixture of things. Getting excited for the last season of Mad Men & the return of GOT.

LISTENING TO || springtime birdies outside my windows.

WEARING || my hair in a top knot constantly because 200% humidity.

EATING || avocados. I decided that I didn't care that they cost the equivalent of $5 USD per. 

DRINKING  || mango milk when I'm feeling fancy.

LEARNING || how to keep up with laundry when you have no dryer & limited air-drying space.

PRACTICING || the act of being present & finding happiness in the fact that I'm alive. 

WORKING || on ESL lesson plans for daaaaays.

PLAYING || FKA twigs & Chet Faker

TRAVELING || just around my city this month. But next month! 2 year anniversary destination TBD!

WANTING || the ability to find jeans that fit properly in this country of non-athletic woman. Womp.

PLANNING || the husband's birthday weekend extravaganza!!!

HOPING || for many more sunny days ahead. & maybe a slight bit of color to my very pale skin.

The month of springtime weather (or something. It was in the 90's this entire week.) & Jeremy's birthday, which just so happens to fall on a three-day weekend. Couldn't be better than that!

April, you are the start to so much.

night time.

sometimes I find myself in a very quiet place.

the apartment is still, the heater off now that winter has shed it's thick layers & the sunshine is making its appearance, warming the day.

The sounds of gentle rhythms & soft voices are hushed whispers in the background as I play something to fill the silence.

I get really introspective & I ponder a great deal.

I boil water.

steep strong tea.

I allow my thoughts to sway in their watery home, as the waves of the day come to a lull & I start to tally up the score in my mind.

How many things did I accomplish, how many things did I leave undone.

What did I succeed in & what could I have done better in.
When could I have focused on the good, instead of clinging to the bad like a security blanket. 

What challenges did I flee from, pushing my way in the other direction.

I find myself in these moments.

My mind is not still - I plead with it to quiet it's restlessness for just a few moments.

I allow myself to focus on my breath.

The rising & falling of my chest.

I return to this sensation.

The breath that has been given to me.

I banish the thoughts from my mind that stir up chaos.

They create a swell of unrest.

I shift in my seat, my tea is steaming in it's sterling blue mug.

I take a sip, it is dark & bitter.

I return to my breath.

Why must I fight with my own thoughts so often?

You are a disruption, I think to myself.

I am reminded of so much in these seemingly still moments.

My fingers find these keys, I begin to type these things.

I don't have a clear cut plan for what I want to say, the words they just come crashing out.

I want to find some structure to my life that involves getting my hands a little dirty.

That allows room for mistakes & trials that will teach me to grow.

I push those things aside so quickly, to make room for the things I like or am good at.

Why do I feel so stuck, I ask myself.

It's because you have forgotten to allow yourself room to make mistakes.

To learn, to breathe a new breath - one that is not calculated, or precise.

Just freely flowing, creating space where there once was none.

The discomfort is only temporary, I tell myself.

The real victory is overcoming the moments when I feel like I can't try.

When I am scared to look over the edge & see a mountain of my failures.

Is it really that scary?

Aren't we all just giant mistake makers, who prance around acting like we've got it together?

There is a slight chill to the room now. I stretch out my legs beneath the table. The warmth of the tea sends a slight shiver down my spine. I hold the mug in my hands and shift the dark amber liquid from side to side, like a boat making small movements on the sea.

You need to be renewed, I say.

You need to have faith.

You need to trust that there is a reason for all these things.

I roll my head around on it's neck, stretching the ligaments & tendons.

Reminding myself to drop my shoulders from cradling my ears as if they we're infants in need of hands to hold up their tiny heads.

I know all of these things, I say.

I know them all so much which is what makes these lulls of stillness almost unbearable.

I know that I need to make the choice to do the hard things.

I just don't want to.

I feel the anxiety in the ocean of my mind begin to toss up its current.

The driving force which causes me to stand up & walk around the room.

I know all of these things, I know them to my core.

So why is it so hard to make the choice to change?

Why it is so damn hard?

The screen is staring back at me. The question mark a silent taunt.

There is no answer being projected on the screen. There is no directions manual.

Life is a giant whirlwind of choices, mistakes, failures & triumphs. They can't all be triumphs just as they can't all be failures.

It doesn't have to be one or the other.

It's time to find the balance.

I am a ship destined to move about on these stormy waters.
I am not meant to sit silently moored to my dock.
No movement, no crashing waves.
Nothing that challenges me or makes me try harder to hold it together.
I was not meant for this, I say.
I am meant for greater things, if I would allow them to manifest in my life instead of pushing them all away.

The music has stopped.

It has stopped a long time ago.

I just realized this as I stopped typing, and the silence completely envelopes me.

Let it go, I say.

It doesn't have to be this way.

march

EATING || home-cooked goodness after two weeks with no kitchen. 

DRINKING || Hazelnut 8 o'clock coffee brought over from home. I never thought I'd be so happy to see that little red bag.

PRACTICING || digital calligraphy so hardcore that I gave myself a neck ache last night. 

MASTERING || how to actually use my new bamboo stylus. Kiiiiinda obsessed.

LEARNING || that it's ok to be wrong. It's so hard, you guys. Pride is a jerkface.

PLAYING || with all filters as I edit the eleventy billion photos I took during our massive tour of China.

FINISHING || lot's of books from the many hours on planes & trains.

READING || red sparrow by Jason Matthews

WATCHING || All the houses of cards. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life once I finish season 3.

WALKING || in the cold, in the snow, in the rain & in the wind.

WEARING || whatever smells the least dirty as I wash my entire wardrobe.

COOKING || anything that doesn't resemble Chinese food.

WORKING || on making my blog pretty. Also, new fonts.

TRAVELING || to the lake by my house for some morning runs. The air quality is finally  getting low enough to spend time outside.

WANTING || to have more of a desire to start studying Chinese again after taking two weeks off. Don't. wanna.

this month has been a whole lot of crazy traveling, which means I haven't really been in any sort of habit of doing for like three weeks. I am super excited that we returned home to slightly warmer temps than just about everywhere we traveled to & the air quality is consistently the lowest I've seen it in months. Which makes me pretty much the happiest person alive. Now if only the sun would come out.... 

Yeah, I'm probably asking for too much.

March is going to bring about some magic, I can feel it.