feelings of change

Do you ever get the feeling like life is moving too fast for you? Like everything is caught up in mid-air and you aren't sure which way you are supposed to go? Maybe it feels more like standing on a crowded street, just standing, feeling the movement of the world around you? This is where I am today.

Upon arrival back into the US after being gone for a year, I feel as though I am merely an observer of the movements around me. The conversations, the emotions, all of it. It is a strange feeling. One in which I am not completely sure of, and don't know how to process.

I put so much thought into this trip and how it would change me. How will I become a better person through these experiences? How can I positively impact another person? How will I grow? It didn't take long upon my arrival to realize that I don't necessarily need to "pre-plan" how those things will happen, but that they just will.

I am finding that time is a series of movements. A pathway to change. A call to courage in those changes.

I am not one to feel comfortable moving into a state of change. I like consistency. I like control. I like to feel like I am grounded & sure of each & every decision I make. My perfectionist, type-A is showing & it's overwhelming sometimes and borderline insane.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I didn't feel like I needed to control every aspect of it. If I could be the free spirit, go with the flow kinda lady who didn't lose her mind every time there was nothing on the agenda for the day. 

Being back in the US has had it's moments of "wow, I can't believe how blue the sky is," to really wondering how to fall back into life that was pre-China. China has changed me. Oh, has it changed me. 

I'm praying for direction during my time here & that I am able to find moments of stillness. I am cherishing the moments that I am walking down the street besides someone speaking Spanish or Russian. The moments when I can sit on a friends balcony & take long, deep breaths. The feeling of the sunshine hitting my face. I want to bottle the feelings I have now so I can take them back with me. I don't feel like this is real life. 

But it is.

These blue skies are real.

I am not dreaming.