"this is for you."

I came to yoga almost as an accident. I wasn't really interested in yoga for a long time, deeming myself a "pilates girl." I distinctly remember the conversation shift when the pilates class at my local Y would end & the yogis would enter for their yoga class. Talk of "core control" would be exchanged for chakras and chaturangas. I didn't really understand it - what yoga was. I just thought it was a more "relaxed version of pilates." Maybe with less screaming ab work, and more meditation. 

Something like that. 

It took me many years to finally open myself up to what yoga was & what it would do for me.

I was a personal trainer at a different gym, spending most of my time beating myself to a pulp on the stair mill & lots of sprinting/olympic lifting/plyometrics. I hated stretching, even though I knew I needed to do it. 

Foam-rolling, ugh. 

I would nearly cry trying to break up some of the tightness in my thighs. 

I was coaching a client in the evening one night & saw that there was a yoga class on the schedule. It was taught by a teacher who owns her own yoga studio & came to teach a few classes a month at our gym. I decided I would already be at the gym for my client so I would just skip my normal sweat sesh for some down-dogging, or what have you.

That class was so eye-opening to my stubbornness & abuse of my own body. I was so obsessed with lifting weights, working up a good sweat, burning fat & staying lean that I had neglected to treat my muscles to what they actually needed. An intelligent & dynamic stretch.

I couldn't touch my toes, my hamstrings were not giving an inch. My down-dog felt awkward, my heels miles above the mat. All the twists & bends in yoga were all incredibly un-fun for me during that first class (& many beyond). 

Laying in Savasana, I felt wiped - like all the toxins that had been chilling in my muscles finally all came to the surface at the same time. The crazy part about it was how I felt once I left. I felt calm. I felt like I had done my body a great service & immediately checked the schedule for the next yoga class on my way out of the gym.

From there, I went every week that I could. I tried to be more aware of how my body was feeling during workouts & spending more time releasing the tension in my muscles instead of just waking up with knots the next day. 

It wasn't until a new teacher started teaching a lunch time class during the week that I found my niche. I started going every week & wanting to do it as often as I could. I started to see dramatic changes in my posture, in the feeling of length in my spine & hamstrings. I was able to touch my toes in forward fold. I was able to get into pigeon without wanting to die. But, I wan't panting for breath, I wasn't screaming from the inside about how hard this was. 

What was this!?

The more I went to that class, the more I started to pull back the layers of myself. It was a very slow process. I felt my thoughts shifting through the practice. Memories from my past would come up, mistakes, regrets, frustrations, all these things would ebb & flow during my hour on the mat. It was weird. I wasn't sure of what was happening. "I didn't come here for this," I remember thinking, "I came here to stretch, what are all these thoughts going on in my head."

I started to share my yoga experience with everyone I knew who only lifted or ran. I started using postures I had become familiar with in classes with my clients as a way to explore stretching in a new light. 

From there, it was only a matter of time before I simply wanted to practice yoga instead of lift or run. I still enjoyed those things immensely, but I was really enjoying the benefits I was seeing from the practice. I started to read more about yoga, diving into the various aspects of it. I realized that I wanted to further my health profession by also becoming a certified yoga teacher.

That's when I had to kind of reevaluate a few things when it came to yoga.

Yoga had always been a way for me to feel more centered. A way to reconnect with my breath & check in on all those muscles that I use daily (without really showing much gratitude.) I looked forward to my weekly yoga classes more than any other time spent in the gym. I blocked that time out, it was so important to me to have. But I wasn't really sure of how to address the philosophy of yoga. The "OM's" & the talk of spiritual energies & the "universe."  I didn't know how to address any of those things because I had my own beliefs that didn't line up quite right with the philosophy behind yoga , but I was so wrapped up in how great I felt during yoga that I refused to stop because I didn't understand some things about it. I just kept moving forward with my weekly classes & my aspirations of finding a teacher training that I could join. I thought that with time I would figure out a way to address this "yoga thing" as it pertained to me directly & my beliefs.

I then moved to China where all of these things came to a halt. I had to give up my weekly yoga classes and had no real hope of getting certified to teach until after my time in China was up. It frustrated me. I didn't let those things stop me, though. I built up a home practice & was on my mat daily. I was becoming very aware of it's affects when I didn't have a gym or studio to escape to. It became the most important thing I did for my body. 

I was following hundreds of yogis on IG, doing yoga challenges, practicing handstands in public places.. it was all madness. I was obsessed. Yoga had become more to me than just a way to keep my body lean & supple.

I started doing more reading & trying to line up my beliefs with what yoga was, with no real success. I didn't agree with a lot of the things that were being taught in books or online about what yoga was. People started to ask me about my yoga practice as it pertained to the beliefs system. I would explain that there are many positive attributes of the yoga system of beliefs that I thought were great & should be followed, but a lot of it was muddy & I felt disoriented.

Being so far away from a lot of things, including church, made me hyper aware of how easy it would be to start worshipping other things. It's easy to become obsessed with the things that make us feel good, or more connected to something greater. 

At this point, I really started to hone in on what I believed.

It may sound mystical to many of you reading this, but it's something I'm grateful for, to this day.

I started meditating on a more regular basis, first as a way to settle my overactive mind, but then later, to start focusing more on the act of being still.

"be still & know that I am God."

It hit me like a bolt of lightning. 

I didn't have to do yoga for myself - as a means to help feel more grounded or connected. I needed only to reconnect to God & feel His presence. This missing piece kind of got tossed around when I was in the states, before I left for China - being "too busy" to really find focus & clarity through Christ, and not within myself. 

It was at this point, over this past summer, when I would venture to my high-rise rooftop & practice yoga as an offering. It wasn't just about me anymore. The Holy Spirit is within me, and God gave me this body, why should I not move in a manner that would praise Him. He has given me the ability, I should use it to honor & glorify Him.

So, sunsets on my roof-top, flowing through sun-salutations became my way to commune with God. It became a sort of meditation through movement where my focal point wasn't just on myself.

What started out as a way for me to feel better about myself, to feel more flexible & connected became a way to slow down, connect with God & praise Him. 

When I traveled back to the states this past fall, I was able to take a yoga teacher training at a studio in DC. It was an experience through various waves of emotions & thoughts. The days were long & the information was overwhelming. But, through this time, I still felt a surge of clarity in what I believed. There was no sway, no loosening of any grasp on the ground that I've stood on for much of my life.

There was a phrase used frequently during my yoga teacher training during some of our Dharma inspired classes: "This is for you." The teacher would whisper it as he or she would walk around the room during some of the longer held poses. & now, during my own practice, those words escape my lips. "This is for You, God." 

It's amazing how something so seemingly small can bring you to something so big. Yoga, for me, is not just about headstands & mediation. It has become a way for me to honor God with what He has given me. A body that is healthy & strong, and breath flowing through my lungs. He has blessed me with these things, so I intend to bless Him with my practice.

You may disagree with me in what yoga was intended for. 

After all my studying at a traditional yoga teacher training, I feel more grounded in my beliefs than ever before. 

You may think it is strange that my christian beliefs got stronger through a non-christian practice. 

Yoga is meant to bring us closer to God, whatever that may be for you individually. 

& looking back over the course of this journey, I am so happy that I stumbled upon that class that night & gave yoga a try. It has brought me to a more tangible place when it comes to my relationship with God. He is the reason I am able to move & breathe. 

He is the reason I can yearn for stillness & trust in the knowledge of a greater power.

& it is within me to praise His holy name. 

all glory & power be.