feelings of change

Do you ever get the feeling like life is moving too fast for you? Like everything is caught up in mid-air and you aren't sure which way you are supposed to go? Maybe it feels more like standing on a crowded street, just standing, feeling the movement of the world around you? This is where I am today.

Upon arrival back into the US after being gone for a year, I feel as though I am merely an observer of the movements around me. The conversations, the emotions, all of it. It is a strange feeling. One in which I am not completely sure of, and don't know how to process.

I put so much thought into this trip and how it would change me. How will I become a better person through these experiences? How can I positively impact another person? How will I grow? It didn't take long upon my arrival to realize that I don't necessarily need to "pre-plan" how those things will happen, but that they just will.

I am finding that time is a series of movements. A pathway to change. A call to courage in those changes.

I am not one to feel comfortable moving into a state of change. I like consistency. I like control. I like to feel like I am grounded & sure of each & every decision I make. My perfectionist, type-A is showing & it's overwhelming sometimes and borderline insane.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I didn't feel like I needed to control every aspect of it. If I could be the free spirit, go with the flow kinda lady who didn't lose her mind every time there was nothing on the agenda for the day. 

Being back in the US has had it's moments of "wow, I can't believe how blue the sky is," to really wondering how to fall back into life that was pre-China. China has changed me. Oh, has it changed me. 

I'm praying for direction during my time here & that I am able to find moments of stillness. I am cherishing the moments that I am walking down the street besides someone speaking Spanish or Russian. The moments when I can sit on a friends balcony & take long, deep breaths. The feeling of the sunshine hitting my face. I want to bottle the feelings I have now so I can take them back with me. I don't feel like this is real life. 

But it is.

These blue skies are real.

I am not dreaming. 

a moment

I step out into the golden sunlight. 

The cool air is brisk 

with a hint of fall. 

The blue of the sky is endless. 

I feel the chill send ripples 

of goosebumps down my arms. 

I put my headphones on. 

I roll my shoulders back.

I take a deep inhale.

Deep exhale.  

I scan the horizon. 

I hear the music pick up. 

I feel my feet start to move. 

Slow at first. 

Then faster. 

Faster. 

My feet creating their own rhythm.

My chest expands. 

I feel the weight of my legs as I urge my body up a hill.

My pace slows.

My breath quickens. 

I feel the rush of speed return. 

The feeling of the air in my lungs feels like freedom. 

I am barely touching the ground. 

The breeze is at my back. 

The open road before me, a doorway. 

I am moving toward it. 

I am moving through it. 

I feel the warmth of my body.

The air in my lungs,

Quickly moving.

I feel weightless.

Wind hitting my face. 

The sky expanding.

My arms moving as fast as my feet. 

The sunlight encasing me.

This movement is freedom. 

Like a bird. 

Set free. 

september

So, one of my best friends from home, Kelsey, does this every month & I decided I would join in on the monthly what's up.

EATING || my last week's worth of sichuan food for two whole months. I can honestly say I will miss the hua jiao.

DRINKING || lots of green tea & cheap chinese beer. 

PRACTICING || my chinese yoga terms. really though, my chinese in general. #hardestthinginthehistoryofever

MASTERING || how to fit a years worth of stuff into two suitcases. Send prayers.

LEARNING || how to let things go.

PLAYING || a whole lot of phoria & daughter. Hello, really long flight playlist.

FINISHING || a really, really long paper for my YTT.

READING || Little Bee, by Chris Cleave. Also, all the yoga books.

WATCHING || The Killing. Good remedy for my True Detective & Luther withdrawals.

WALKING || everywhere. walking is my life.

WEARING || the last of the perfume I purchased for my wedding. *tear*

COOKING || (baking) these cookies like 3 times a week.

WORKING || on mentally preparing for two months of living out of a suitcase.

TRAVELING || from China to Hong Kong, to the US. Say whaaaaat!?

WANTING || this week to slow down just a little. Time has been going too fast lately. 

This month will be full of changes -  changes of pace, changes of scenery. 

Let's do this thing, September.