gravitation toward the same

Sometimes I get really caught up in the act of making a decision. I toy with the idea usually, mulling it over, the concept of what I am about to do & how it will impact me, positively & negatively. Sometimes I pump up the positives so they mask the negatives. Sometimes the price tag or the amount of work something will take keeps me from committing to those decisions. Sometimes I ponder for much longer than I personally think is normal.

Today I painted my fingernails a bright, happy, in between red & hint of orange hue. One in which I've done before but it had been done so very long ago & I didn't know how I would feel about it. I had been thinking about it for close to two weeks, since the last time my go-to color of oxblood had been chipped beyond repair, and I had foregone the simple act of repainting over the many layers. Fresh nails, devoid of color for weeks made me eager for something else.

But, I found myself eyeballing the oxblood lacquer sitting on my bathroom counter. I love the way that color looks. The depth, the darkness to it. It goes with everything & I love the way it compliments everything I wear because it's neutral. But then I realized that there is more to just sticking to the same thing, to the things that are safe or comfortable. So I began my first coat of the red, hoping that I was making the right decision.

It happens so often in life. The weight of a choice is so heavy; so full of possibilities. "If I buy this thing here, I won't be able to spend any more money at any of the other stores I am in today. What if I see something I like more?" Am I simply holding out for the perfect option? Is it something worth overcoming?

I rationalize all of my decisions - whether it be choosing a new vegetable for dinner, whether or not to take an arriving bus full of people or the next one, which may be five more minutes down the road merely for the chance it may be emptier, or whether to buy something now, or save the money for later.

I am notorious for going into a store, picking something up, trying it on, carrying it around the store for way longer than I should, after having examined every rack & shelf, mentally weighing what it's worth to me to buy said item, to simply drop it back off where it came from & march out of the store. Usually I return not long later to actually buy it, whether it be that day or on the next visit to that store at a later date.

I like grey clothes. I own probably 20 things at this moment that are all fairly similar to each other that are all varying shades of grey (in fact, they probably don't vary that much at all in their shade.) I simply like grey. I like the way it looks on me & how simple it is to pair other things with it. But, it lacks excitement. There isn't much color, or life to it. It's simply a melancholy color, much like the clouds that are hanging heavy over our city right now.

I gravitate toward the same things in most areas of my life. The choice has been made so many times, and I like that choice so much, that I don't try different ones. New ones. Potentially more exciting ones.

I find in life I stick with what I know, and it can be a really bad place if I am trying to grow. It is a common frustration of mine to feel stuck, but then do very little to make the appropriate changes. Being in China has opened up this door for me. I am working on doing hard things, or moving out of the routine order of my life, to experience more.

I like the oxblood nail polish I routinely wear. I like my grey hoodies & tshirts. But I am starting to learn that there are beautiful shades of orangey-red out there in life that are waiting to be experienced. I just need to be brave enough to take the risk.