november

hong kong at dusk.

STARTING || all the projects I've been thinking up recently.

FINISHING || all the laundry from two weeks of not being home. 

MAKING || plans to get coffee with new friends.

CRAVING || more time with AJ, the time they were here went too fast. #ohchina

READING || Goop's BE column & I finally got on the skimm train.

WATCHING || the light fade from my windows, much earlier. I think I'm just going to pretend I live in London, where the clouds are also normal.

LISTENING TO || Saint Cava.

WEARING || tennis shoes that were too small in the summer (ha, my feet are weird.)

EATING || home cooked goodness after two weeks of crazy [good] eats in various cities. 

DRINKING  || coffee with HOMEMADE PUMPKIN SPICE SYRUP IN IT. *fistpump* Also, thanks mom for sending all those spices I needed, you's aaaaaamazing.

LEARNING || to find more joy in the every day.

PRACTICING || getting back into a post vacation routine.

WORKING || a bit more than last month, hollah for that.

PLAYING || catch up on all the blog post drafts I have waiting for completion.

TRAVELING || nowhere. A staycation is planned for this weekend & I could NOT be more excited for it.

WANTING || another trip back home. A year is too long.

PLANNING || to find a bike for the husband (hopefully) this weekend & a well overdue wine night with the new bestie next week.

HOPING || that by this time next month, I have an oven again.

I really am working on the practice of gratitude for all the sweet things I've been up to lately - and the ability my husband and I have to take trips, and go exploring & stay in sweet air bnb's & make plans to go somewhere new every few months.

when you're in the throes of living in a place that isn't "home," you can forget that there are still so many moments to soak in and be happy for. Maybe not every moment is easy and I find myself dwelling in negative thoughts way more than anyone should - but I feel like China is wearing on me in different ways than it used to & that's just straight up hard.

I think I put on this brave face & push through the day, trying to make it "count" according to my weird mental status of things that matter, but it still get's to me sometimes. Especially after spending time with people from home & having an awesome time and then having to return to normal life in China.

I miss target, and chipotle & drinking pumpkin beer. I miss bright orange & red leaves, and trader joes & the smell of the ocean. I miss Ghent,  and stockley garden art festivals. Finding shoes in my size & soft, pillow-topped mattresses. 

Life throws curve balls. I should feel grateful for all the things I got to do in October, and the places I got to see. But, now that it's over, I feel a little sadder & a greater longing for the home I remember.

So lemme go make another PSL and eat some of that sea salt dark chocolate someone threw into Amy's suitcase.

I am grateful for today.

November, you are here. & I am here. Let's embrace like lovers cause you are potential & I refuse to be anything less than grateful.

controlling perfect

perfectionism: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

This is a sad truth that I am revealing to you. One that many of you already are fully aware of.

I identify with this persona. I strive to avoid all things that are less than perfect.

Here's the thing. Perfection is relative. Also, "perfectionism" is sometimes a term that is just a mask for "an obsession with control."

Control is something we are constantly told to "let go of." Let go of the need to be right, let go of the need to do things a very specific, very structured way. Let go of the expectations & the destination. Focus on the now, the journey, the loss of things being just so. Let it be what makes you up, the body in which you are living your life in.

I am someone who is constantly picking a fight. I like to be right. I like to be right so much that I don't even see myself pushing back toward people I love until I have already done it & we are looking back on the conversation. I am refusing to admit that that was what was happening. That I had to be right. I find all sorts of other things to pin it on, "no, I don't care, I was simply saying..." 

No, see, no. 

You are becoming wrapped up in that deep drive. That force that refuses to yield. When life is made up of learning & failures & becoming better, you refuse. You think because you are "attempting at making yourself better," that you actually are. But deep down, at the core of the thing, you are stubborn & ultimately, right.

Here's my thought. Just stop with the constant movement going on in your brain. There's a simple answer. Allow the words to settle like dew on blades of grass. Do not send your ray of heat, like the morning sun, to evaporate that moment of growth. Everything is not an attack. Everything doesn't have to be defended or explained. You can allow that moment to wash over you like a fresh tidal wave. The salt water grazing your skin. 

Allow it. 

Allow this to happen.

Control does ugly things to a person. When they don't allow the control to recede from their minds, hearts & lips. They become a cage. A hollow shell that refuses to look in any other direction. I have always done this this way. I will always do this this way. No, darling, no. Life doesn't work this way & anyone who tells you that it does is wrong. 

Like you. 

You are wrong. 

Often. 

Maybe what you need to allow is the realization that right & wrong is not a death sentence, or a succession, or a white flag. It does not mean that you have lost your "perfection." It just makes you look selfish, arrogant & stagnant. You refuse to grow if you do not allow yourself room to let go of control. You are standing in the face of it & saying, "yep, I am refusing to grow because my pride is more important." It doesn't work this way. You holding on to the sand only makes it push more deeply past your fingers. You must loosen that grip, dear. It isn't about being a failure, although that is something that will have to be remedied in different ways, but releasing the all-encompassing need for control. To be cliche & let it go is the only way to welcome in the growth you so strongly desire. You must change to allow the change to occur. 

You aren't going to like it all the time. You will fight it in your head. You will make a snarky comment, or smirk, or be passive aggressive. You will want to overcome those split-second responses. And the most beautiful part is, you can. Just take a breath, look out into the distance, see the wave breaking & welcome it in with open arms. The crash may feel overwhelming, but the aftermath will be sweet. 

Don't stop there. Let the waves keep crashing over you. 

Allow it. 

Don't try to control the waves. You simply can not. 

You are in a special place, love. 

Just slow it all down until you have no choice but to let go of the desire to fight.

change.

There's a shift in my surroundings lately. I'm picking up all the things I've collected over the past two years, or have travelled with across continents & oceans. I am getting rid of a lot of things, purging my closet of all the cast offs that were purchased without really giving thought to its needlessness.

I'm spending longer moments in the morning just taking in my surroundings. I am the most habitual create of habit in this wild kingdom. I enjoy routine, I enjoy systems, I enjoy the comfort of knowing what will happen next in my day. I make a very big effort to plan out the details so I have full control over all the possible outcomes. If I do this, then this may happen. Or may not happen. Ok. I need to be prepared for both. & when I'm not, I feel lost & incredibly grouchy.

Change is this for me. I feel lost & foggy. Like I can't get my thoughts together to start the day because I don't have a routine. I don't have structure to my existence.

This is something that is coming for me. Change in a big way.

I am moving to a new city in less than two weeks. I've been to this city a few times now, trying to get a small grasp at what is to come - how I will structure my life in this place. Fully formed with all it's foreign people - it's groups & circles. It's spinning wheel of normalcy, for so many.

I have moments when I am soaking up my morning, with my warm cup of coffee in my hand, looking out onto the quiet courtyard beyond the balcony. Birds joining in unison as the breeze sweeps hair into my face. I feel this comfort of knowing that mornings are this. They are slow steps walking across the wooden floor of the open space in this studio apartment. Yoga on the big windowsill. The dining room table, my desk. Hot baths when I need to think. Moving furniture to pack my yoga students in twice a week. Watercolor paints on the floor late at night when I need to release my thoughts. Steam rising through the kitchen when making tea, that fogs the balcony window in the living room. Afternoon naps on the long length of the couch, sleeping in an L shape because it helps to block the sunlight from my closed eyes. Running up the flights of stairs in the open space inside the building. The small rooftop landing that overlooks the neighborhood & downtown in the distance. Getting glances from the lady who takes out the trash - I always wonder what she is secretly thinking as she mops the floor outside our front door. Hanging damp clothing on our rack next to the hanging plants. Overlooking the dozen other buildings with clothing hanging on their balconies. The hushed distant sound of the buses and cars moving across the river. The way the table creaks when I am writing on it. The weight of our front door as I pull it closed behind me. The dim light that warms this space. This city that has taught me to be better, less reactive & more responsive.

I feel like there are many things about picking up & moving that will only produce more beautiful change, more opportunities to grow & more space to create. I know that no one loves change. We like comfort. We like to know that we can hold on to something & it won't disintegrate in our hands. It's just that initial moment of separation. That driving away from our home in the moving truck and knowing you may never be here again. That longing for all those moments you took for granted. I am feeling nostalgic for the present.

Reminder:
Nothing is forever.

cages.

rain is dripping steadily off the eaves of our building.

a stream of water falling to the earth, watering the ground, the life that blossoms & yields.

I awoke this mornings feeling heavy.

like my bones literally had weights attached to them - my ribs refusing to expand.

short breaths gasped in the morning light.

I got angry last night, I yelled.

I try to speak & find that I have lost my voice.

I wouldn't surrender, I was refusing.

I find that the rain watering the earth this morning is my lesson.

you can not grow without the water.

you may think you can, love, but you can't.

you will dry up & wither. you will stretch out your leaves turned brown & think you've got it all together. but you need the rain. you need to surrender. you need to be renewed, reminded. you need to let down the walls of pride that you build like a cage. you believe that it will protect you, that you are above it all - but it only ensnares you, wrapping you up in a reality that is so distant from the truth. you need the rain. you need to destroy the cage.

stop fighting the rain, love.

stop fighting.

night time.

sometimes I find myself in a very quiet place.

the apartment is still, the heater off now that winter has shed it's thick layers & the sunshine is making its appearance, warming the day.

The sounds of gentle rhythms & soft voices are hushed whispers in the background as I play something to fill the silence.

I get really introspective & I ponder a great deal.

I boil water.

steep strong tea.

I allow my thoughts to sway in their watery home, as the waves of the day come to a lull & I start to tally up the score in my mind.

How many things did I accomplish, how many things did I leave undone.

What did I succeed in & what could I have done better in.
When could I have focused on the good, instead of clinging to the bad like a security blanket. 

What challenges did I flee from, pushing my way in the other direction.

I find myself in these moments.

My mind is not still - I plead with it to quiet it's restlessness for just a few moments.

I allow myself to focus on my breath.

The rising & falling of my chest.

I return to this sensation.

The breath that has been given to me.

I banish the thoughts from my mind that stir up chaos.

They create a swell of unrest.

I shift in my seat, my tea is steaming in it's sterling blue mug.

I take a sip, it is dark & bitter.

I return to my breath.

Why must I fight with my own thoughts so often?

You are a disruption, I think to myself.

I am reminded of so much in these seemingly still moments.

My fingers find these keys, I begin to type these things.

I don't have a clear cut plan for what I want to say, the words they just come crashing out.

I want to find some structure to my life that involves getting my hands a little dirty.

That allows room for mistakes & trials that will teach me to grow.

I push those things aside so quickly, to make room for the things I like or am good at.

Why do I feel so stuck, I ask myself.

It's because you have forgotten to allow yourself room to make mistakes.

To learn, to breathe a new breath - one that is not calculated, or precise.

Just freely flowing, creating space where there once was none.

The discomfort is only temporary, I tell myself.

The real victory is overcoming the moments when I feel like I can't try.

When I am scared to look over the edge & see a mountain of my failures.

Is it really that scary?

Aren't we all just giant mistake makers, who prance around acting like we've got it together?

There is a slight chill to the room now. I stretch out my legs beneath the table. The warmth of the tea sends a slight shiver down my spine. I hold the mug in my hands and shift the dark amber liquid from side to side, like a boat making small movements on the sea.

You need to be renewed, I say.

You need to have faith.

You need to trust that there is a reason for all these things.

I roll my head around on it's neck, stretching the ligaments & tendons.

Reminding myself to drop my shoulders from cradling my ears as if they we're infants in need of hands to hold up their tiny heads.

I know all of these things, I say.

I know them all so much which is what makes these lulls of stillness almost unbearable.

I know that I need to make the choice to do the hard things.

I just don't want to.

I feel the anxiety in the ocean of my mind begin to toss up its current.

The driving force which causes me to stand up & walk around the room.

I know all of these things, I know them to my core.

So why is it so hard to make the choice to change?

Why it is so damn hard?

The screen is staring back at me. The question mark a silent taunt.

There is no answer being projected on the screen. There is no directions manual.

Life is a giant whirlwind of choices, mistakes, failures & triumphs. They can't all be triumphs just as they can't all be failures.

It doesn't have to be one or the other.

It's time to find the balance.

I am a ship destined to move about on these stormy waters.
I am not meant to sit silently moored to my dock.
No movement, no crashing waves.
Nothing that challenges me or makes me try harder to hold it together.
I was not meant for this, I say.
I am meant for greater things, if I would allow them to manifest in my life instead of pushing them all away.

The music has stopped.

It has stopped a long time ago.

I just realized this as I stopped typing, and the silence completely envelopes me.

Let it go, I say.

It doesn't have to be this way.

gravitation toward the same

Sometimes I get really caught up in the act of making a decision. I toy with the idea usually, mulling it over, the concept of what I am about to do & how it will impact me, positively & negatively. Sometimes I pump up the positives so they mask the negatives. Sometimes the price tag or the amount of work something will take keeps me from committing to those decisions. Sometimes I ponder for much longer than I personally think is normal.

Today I painted my fingernails a bright, happy, in between red & hint of orange hue. One in which I've done before but it had been done so very long ago & I didn't know how I would feel about it. I had been thinking about it for close to two weeks, since the last time my go-to color of oxblood had been chipped beyond repair, and I had foregone the simple act of repainting over the many layers. Fresh nails, devoid of color for weeks made me eager for something else.

But, I found myself eyeballing the oxblood lacquer sitting on my bathroom counter. I love the way that color looks. The depth, the darkness to it. It goes with everything & I love the way it compliments everything I wear because it's neutral. But then I realized that there is more to just sticking to the same thing, to the things that are safe or comfortable. So I began my first coat of the red, hoping that I was making the right decision.

It happens so often in life. The weight of a choice is so heavy; so full of possibilities. "If I buy this thing here, I won't be able to spend any more money at any of the other stores I am in today. What if I see something I like more?" Am I simply holding out for the perfect option? Is it something worth overcoming?

I rationalize all of my decisions - whether it be choosing a new vegetable for dinner, whether or not to take an arriving bus full of people or the next one, which may be five more minutes down the road merely for the chance it may be emptier, or whether to buy something now, or save the money for later.

I am notorious for going into a store, picking something up, trying it on, carrying it around the store for way longer than I should, after having examined every rack & shelf, mentally weighing what it's worth to me to buy said item, to simply drop it back off where it came from & march out of the store. Usually I return not long later to actually buy it, whether it be that day or on the next visit to that store at a later date.

I like grey clothes. I own probably 20 things at this moment that are all fairly similar to each other that are all varying shades of grey (in fact, they probably don't vary that much at all in their shade.) I simply like grey. I like the way it looks on me & how simple it is to pair other things with it. But, it lacks excitement. There isn't much color, or life to it. It's simply a melancholy color, much like the clouds that are hanging heavy over our city right now.

I gravitate toward the same things in most areas of my life. The choice has been made so many times, and I like that choice so much, that I don't try different ones. New ones. Potentially more exciting ones.

I find in life I stick with what I know, and it can be a really bad place if I am trying to grow. It is a common frustration of mine to feel stuck, but then do very little to make the appropriate changes. Being in China has opened up this door for me. I am working on doing hard things, or moving out of the routine order of my life, to experience more.

I like the oxblood nail polish I routinely wear. I like my grey hoodies & tshirts. But I am starting to learn that there are beautiful shades of orangey-red out there in life that are waiting to be experienced. I just need to be brave enough to take the risk.

morning thoughts

China is doing some serious things to me. Over the course of the year, I've felt stretched; pulled taut like a hamstring in forward fold. This change has been difficult. Some of those who are very close to me have heard me complain about the differences here, the obstacles I've faced in making positive changes, and just the general "UGH"-ness that has ebbed & flowed since moving into this country.

Overall, it has been a change that I believe I could not have reached if I had stayed where I was. Going to work, going to class, sleeping, waking. It was so orderly & so structured. Moving to China, I've been pushed outside my comfort zone so much. Often times I felt so small & nonexistent. I felt so removed from everyone & everything.

One of the things I knew I would have as a constant were my friends & family back home. I knew that I would be able to reach out to them & because we were so close while I was physically in the same city/state/country as them, that for sure, we would remain tight even when I traveled to the other side of the world. For sure.

This is something that I've tried to work through on my own. Believing that I will get back what I give. That it's an endless cycle of give/receive. In friendship, especially long-distance, that just isn't always so. Life get's in the way. We get busy. We have to run errands, and go to work. We have to meet deadlines & make sure our kids are fed. We have to do... everything else. I understand real life. I left a really busy existence back in the states & I know completely how guilty I was of pushing people aside for what was on my to-do list. Making time for social interaction only when it was convenient for me, or when I had nothing better to do. The worst part about this is that it takes maybe 5 minutes to send a message to someone letting them know I was thinking of them. Or even less to send a text. I struggled with being the "bad friend" when I lived in my comfort zone. Now that I'm thousands of miles away, I've realized just how important relationships with people are & how we take them for granted when things are normal, familiar & rote.

You learn a lot about a person & how much they value your friendship when you move far away. You can see how important those interactions are & how you fit into their neat, planned, orderly lives. You can also see how maintaing a friendship is work. Something we are often too busy to add to our already over filled existences.

I travel back to the East coast in a little more than two weeks. I've been pondering what that will look like for some time. Where do I go from just stepping off the plane & hoping all those who say they love me or want to be a part of my life make the effort to push themselves out of their comfort zones enough to initiate a connection. 

I've been planning this trip to the "T" with transportation plans, who I will be staying with when, and for how long. How to make things as seamless as possible for those I will be spending lots of time with. Where to store all my millions of suitcases. How to see everyone that I want to see in such a limited amount of time.

I got to thinking this morning about all of these things & what being a friend (or a family member) means. How do we go out of our way to show someone that we love them & that their presence alone is something to be cherished and appreciated? How can I be a better friend to anyone that has been in the position I am about to be in?

We get comfortable in our lives & we don't put relationships as high as we ought. Being so far removed from anyone I was really close with (aside from J) has brought to light how bad of a friend I was before. Emails that would sit in my inbox for weeks, sometimes months. (oops.) Forgetting birthdays, or special occasions. When life is made up of social interactions and comings & goings - we don't always stop to realize how important those small interactions can be. The email, the text, the phone call (hah, what's that.) 

They are meaningful. 

They are to be cherished. 

Find the time to let those who you appreciate & care about KNOW that they are appreciated & cared for. Pick someone up at the airport. Drop off a coffee to someone at work. Do those things. 

They are lasting. 

They leave an imprint. 

I know now more than I ever did before that that is true. 

It is astounding to me how love can be so raw & physical when you think about it. I can say, "I love you" a million times - but when does there need to be some action behind those words? When do we need to push our own agenda aside to focus on another person's feelings or well-being - showing them love (even when it's not convenient.)

We need those connections. We need friendships. We need to feel like we belong. 

Be a good friend. 

Be someone who is dependable. 

Find ways to show that you love others. 

Make it a priority. 

Cherish the time you get with those you care about.
We don't know what tomorrow brings. 

Leave an imprint. Show love. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani

On focusing on the good | pt. 2

So, I had a challenge this week to "focus on the good" in various situations that I encountered. I wanted to report back on how that frame of mind changed my feelings toward those moments that made me feel trampled & slighted.

What I found was that in those moments, (being cut in line, pushed onto the metro, etc.), I still felt upset at the action. I still felt like I was being wronged. But, I noticed something that held a spark of something that, with work, will hopefully be a habit ingrained in me to the point that I won't even have to think of it as work, but just as normal living.

When someone would cut me in line, I would feel that same old anger rise up. I would feel the tension build. Then, I reminded myself of my challenge. "I am not going to let this affect me. I have that choice." I took a deep breath. Sometimes it dissipated my anger. Sometimes it didn't. Those situations were harder. Sometimes I took my normal sarcastic, passive aggressive approach, and I would get angry, start to fume, then look at the person and laugh. Like, "Oh wow, you're an amazing human being for cutting in front of someone else." Which, sadly, was also the wrong way to go about it.

So, let's talk about the takeaways from this:

I found the ability to take a deep breath & ignore the problem got easier as the week went on. It's a concept of building a habit & being very intentional when I leave my house each day.

I struggled to find a "good" alternative to replace the "bad" that I was feeling. I didn't focus on the apples that looked especially good (& cheap) when someone at the produce weigher side swiped me with her shopping cart. I didn't hum a happy song when someone spit on the ground in front of me as I was walking. This isn't something that's just going to happen. I have to make an effort to find something good to attach my attention to.

I still had a lot of bad moments. I still found myself glaring at people for their rudeness, but I also found those moments dwindled more & more as the week progressed.

So, more deep breaths. More intentional searching for a good to replace the bad. & definitely more attention to the goal as a whole -- so it becomes a habit and not something I only do when I'm feeling up to it.

A point that I am trying to make is that there can be a shift in how we think when it comes to our day to day experiences with other people. I don't have to be rude just because I'm having a less-than-great day. I can control my feelings. I can make an effort to be the change. I have felt that pull of "being the change" in the eyes of the people I am in contact with here, and it's only gotten stronger the longer that I've been here. What does that mean, to "be the change"?

We are programmed to think for ourselves. We look for ways to "get ahead" in every day life. We live in a society that rewards the independent, the strong, the "cut throat" & the determined. What does that look like? Does it have to equate to yelling at the barista at starbucks when they forgot your whipped cream on the top of your frappachino? Does that mean arranging things in your day so that you get the highest benefit (over someone else?) Does that mean you are entitled to be rude to the girl who just started working at the restaurant you're eating at, and made a mistake that you can easily overlook? Instead of giving into our initial desire to complain about those moments, or flipping out on someone else, take a moment to rise above that. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

What I am is proposing is a shift in how we view things that commonly offend us & changing the focus in our brain to something good. 

That sounds so hard, right? It's cause it is. It's hard to re-program the way we've responded to offensive behavior our entire life. When you're a toddler and someone takes your toy away, you get angry. You had it first. You want it back. So you allow those emotions to take over & your behavior reflects that. As adults, we can't just throw hissy fits whenever we are slighted. 

Make the choice to be different.

Even if no one will ever notice that you are rising above the problem, you are choosing a path that will inevitably lead to less anger & frustration from outside factors (& less stress from being out in the world, only to walk through your front door & release a big sigh of relief that you no longer have to withstand the urge to freak out on someone..) & more joy at the fact that you have the ability to be happy.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day. I was in my own zone (as I often am when I am on a task oriented mission - such as getting food at the grocery store and carrying it all back to my apt.) & a lady got in line behind me. She looked frazzled & annoyed that she had to wait in line. I caught her eye & I smiled. At a total stranger. & you know what? She smiled back.

If you make the choice to be happy in life, it will show. It will impact those around you. & that's a great way to live. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani

On focusing on the good

Everyone around me is rushing to get from one place to the next. Phones are shielding the faces of the strangers I am brushing against on the sidewalk. The crowd gathers as we wait to get through the security stop at the metro station. I feel people pushing and jostling me as they try to form a queue. I feel the tension mount as I am passed by. I feel my chest tighten. Anger and frustration builds. I can feel all these emotions as the strangers around me rush to the front, as the line's build, as the crowds gather. I want to make these people realize that what they are doing isn't fair.
"I was here first" is echoing in my head.
"Why do you think it's ok to push ahead of me!?" I say under my breath.
No one pays an ounce of attention to me as I shift my weight, muttering things to myself, obviously annoyed. The metro doors open, we rush inside, and we wait to arrive at our destination.

I settle in against the wall. I take a few deep breaths. I try to remind myself that it doesn't matter.
"Then why do I get so upset when I feel slighted!?"
The conversation in my mind picks up.
"Because, you think you know how everyone else should behave."...

The train picks up speed & I feel my thoughts swirling. We get to a massive interchange stop & a new swarm of people shuffle onto the car. & then it happens. The stranger that just pushed his way onto the car, with his phone inches from his face, rises up from his seat to let an old woman with a heavy backpack take his seat. The conversation in my mind shifts. 

I can focus on the moments of frustration, the times I feel like things aren't "fair." When I am cut in front of in line, or pushed into a crowded metro car, or walked into by an absentminded pedestrian. I can focus on those moments, and I have, so many times. I've fumed for 15 minutes after someone cut me in line. I ruminate for way longer than I should. I struggle with this. It is a very real problem.

Negativity affects so many things. I've watched how I feel after allowing myself to give into the anger & then how I feel if I just take a breath and move past it. It's not an easy choice. I am so wrapped up in wanting the person who offended me to know that they did something wrong. I feel like that's part of my frustration -- there's no awareness. It just happens. 

But, I still have a choice.

I can seethe, fume, and throw a mental temper tantrum because someone acted a certain way. Or, I can take a deep breath. Realize that it's not worth it. Realize it's not worth the tension and the anger. Realize that there's something else I can focus on instead.

I can focus on the good in the situation. I can focus on the kindness that this stranger on the metro displayed, by giving up his seat for someone else. I can focus on the fact that I have two strong legs that can hold me up during a 20 minute metro ride. I can focus on the fact that there is a metro to take me to where I need to go.  I can focus on the fact that I can spare all of 3 seconds to allow someone else get into the car ahead of me. I'm not in that much of a rush. I can slow down. I can allow kindness into those moments and smile at those that slight me instead of glaring at them, hoping they'll pick up on my obviously (obviously!) warranted frustration. 

My challenge for this week is to focus on the good. Focus on the positives in the unfortunate things that happen & focus on being happier because of it. What do I gain from glaring at a stranger? For hissing under my breath because someone walked into me on the sidewalk? Nothing. 

I can gain happiness. I can gain joy. 

I am alive. I am breathing. 

That's enough.

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani

On comfort zones

I remember when I was sitting in this same Starbucks two days after moving here. I felt so alone and frustrated with my current surroundings. I remember the gloom in the seemingly endless clouds and the long hours that I had to kill before Jeremy would be off work. I remember looking out these windows up at our hotel that was a short walk away. I am again looking up at that hotel window on the 44th floor & I'm being reminded that my life has changed, dramatically. I have been learning who I am as a person. I am learning about what I'm capable of & what I am still struggling with. Being thrown into an uncomfortable situation causes you to grow up and grow up fast. The beauty of all of this is that I am starting to feel that & really feel it. Like it took me moving to China to get me to drop the facade & work on the things going on in my heart. I am learning about patience, I am learning about trust, I am learning about kindness. I am learning to open my heart to things or people I would have turned a blind eye to before. All of it is so raw, so without filter. It is there, in my face & I can either pretend like It's not my responsibility to work on it, or move into it & learn. I feel like things are shifting so much. & so differently. I have successes & setbacks on a daily basis. 

Life's greatest moments are made from uncomfortable situations, I am sure of it. I have felt some of the biggest challenges of my life here. Most of them being more internal but some have been external & the high that follows those moments of victory -- they are unreal and tip the scales of any sort of excitement I felt before. Comfort zones are something you should live in only briefly. Once you realize that you're comfortable, you should work to move out of that place. Expand the horizons of your life by opening up the doors of newness instead of kicking off your shoes & making yourself at home in the comfort zone. That's not your home, it has never been your home. Your home is out there, out in the newness of the unknown & the challenging. In the moments where you feel like you can't breathe from anxiety but suddenly, you realize what you are capable of & everything melts away into a wash of relief. You can do this, you are good enough. 

Comfort zones are just that. They are zones, not homes.

I am feeling like I am on the brink of big & exciting things. I will be going back to the states for two months in September to complete my yoga teacher training & for Amy, my lovely SIL's wedding. I still can't believe that girl is getting married. I feel like I will be viewing life there like I am the snowman inside a snow globe; slightly reserved but eager to experience. It's astounding to me how life can change so vastly in such a relatively short amount of time. One year ago from now I was packing up my small apartment, preparing to be apart from my husband for a month while he started his journey in China as an English teacher. I was newly married & feeling like I couldn't possibly be brave enough to live in such a foreign place, leaving all that I knew, everything my life consisted of (minus Jeremy) behind. But look, I did. I am. 

Life will take you places you are not expecting. You won't be prepared for them & certainly not always open to them. It will be the hardest thing to welcome those moments of uncertainty & anxiety. But,

it is in those moments that we are defined; overcoming the fear & coming out victorious on the other side.

We can only grow when we allow ourselves to roam outside that zone. Move into a place of uncharted territory & smile because you are accepting that challenge. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani