on gratitude

                   

I've had so much happen over this past year to be grateful for. So many moments where I felt every pore in my body beaming, where I felt nothing more than overflowing thankfulness. I've seen so many new places, travelled to the other side of the world, saw people get married, saw new babies and babies who are growing up, (so quickly, I might add.) I saw people who are making new lives for themselves. I saw two different oceans. I did yoga on the sands of Hong Kong and Virginia Beach. I've been blessed with a husband who continually thanks me for the little things I do, who brings me my cup of coffee in the morning. Who whispers "I love you" before we fall asleep, every night, without fail.

Even with all those little moments, I still struggle with gratitude. I find myself coming back to a place where I don't really feel much of anything about a lot of things. I become complacent. I get used to the little things that make my life better & easier. 

We all get wrapped up in "feelings of thanks" around this time of year, or at least make some sort of effort to because it's expected. But what does that actually look like? Does that simply mean saying thank you to everyone seated beside you at thanksgiving dinner? Does it equate to making an instagram post about the ten things you're most grateful for this year?

I don't know. I feel a wave of reality hit me when I see those things. I really wonder if we didn't have a holiday that is centered around the giving of thanks, if we would even stop for a moment to do just that. 

It's so easy to become complacent. It's so easy to just accept the normalcy of life in it's good givings. But how do we really take those good things into our life with a true spirit of gratitude?

These are thoughts that I've been mulling over for the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that people are making the time to say thank you to their friends & family, or writing the facebook statuses, etc. I think I just wonder what would happen if we didn't have a holiday to center our thanks around. 

I think what I'm trying to get at is that thanksgiving should be a practice we all implement into our daily lives - not just once a year. Yes, yes. A topic that has probably been typed out a million times over the vast expanse of blogs the world over. 

My question is, How are you going to become more grateful in your life?

What will you actually do (implying action,) to express your thankfulness?

Maybe avoid complaining about the bad stuff to other people.

Maybe leaving little thank you notes on the bathroom mirror or the kitchen counter to your partner for the extra work they put in to make things good for the both of you.

Maybe it's doing something nice & not expected for someone who consistently does nice things for you. (my biggest thing right now.)

Maybe it's praying to God more just to say thanks for all the good He has given you.

Maybe it's really soaking in the moments that get overlooked - the sky changing colors as the sun fades, or the smell of the crisp autumn air. 

Maybe it's scooping up your baby & showering them with kisses. 

Maybe it's giving an unexpected shoulder massage or washing the dishes when it's not "your turn."

I'm really trying to be aware of what a grateful heart looks like & how I can express that outwardly.

It's easy to say thank you. 

it's harder to show it.

I challenge you to take this week to do one "act of gratitude" a day - write an email, make someone a playlist of the best Christmas music ever. Make someone a homemade treat. Take time out of your overflowing schedule to treat a friend for coffee & tell them how much you appreciate their friendship. Genuinely LISTEN to someone else without your own agenda. Anything. People need more good vibes in their lives, especially around this time of year. Share the goodness.

// be the change.

On focusing on the good | pt. 2

So, I had a challenge this week to "focus on the good" in various situations that I encountered. I wanted to report back on how that frame of mind changed my feelings toward those moments that made me feel trampled & slighted.

What I found was that in those moments, (being cut in line, pushed onto the metro, etc.), I still felt upset at the action. I still felt like I was being wronged. But, I noticed something that held a spark of something that, with work, will hopefully be a habit ingrained in me to the point that I won't even have to think of it as work, but just as normal living.

When someone would cut me in line, I would feel that same old anger rise up. I would feel the tension build. Then, I reminded myself of my challenge. "I am not going to let this affect me. I have that choice." I took a deep breath. Sometimes it dissipated my anger. Sometimes it didn't. Those situations were harder. Sometimes I took my normal sarcastic, passive aggressive approach, and I would get angry, start to fume, then look at the person and laugh. Like, "Oh wow, you're an amazing human being for cutting in front of someone else." Which, sadly, was also the wrong way to go about it.

So, let's talk about the takeaways from this:

I found the ability to take a deep breath & ignore the problem got easier as the week went on. It's a concept of building a habit & being very intentional when I leave my house each day.

I struggled to find a "good" alternative to replace the "bad" that I was feeling. I didn't focus on the apples that looked especially good (& cheap) when someone at the produce weigher side swiped me with her shopping cart. I didn't hum a happy song when someone spit on the ground in front of me as I was walking. This isn't something that's just going to happen. I have to make an effort to find something good to attach my attention to.

I still had a lot of bad moments. I still found myself glaring at people for their rudeness, but I also found those moments dwindled more & more as the week progressed.

So, more deep breaths. More intentional searching for a good to replace the bad. & definitely more attention to the goal as a whole -- so it becomes a habit and not something I only do when I'm feeling up to it.

A point that I am trying to make is that there can be a shift in how we think when it comes to our day to day experiences with other people. I don't have to be rude just because I'm having a less-than-great day. I can control my feelings. I can make an effort to be the change. I have felt that pull of "being the change" in the eyes of the people I am in contact with here, and it's only gotten stronger the longer that I've been here. What does that mean, to "be the change"?

We are programmed to think for ourselves. We look for ways to "get ahead" in every day life. We live in a society that rewards the independent, the strong, the "cut throat" & the determined. What does that look like? Does it have to equate to yelling at the barista at starbucks when they forgot your whipped cream on the top of your frappachino? Does that mean arranging things in your day so that you get the highest benefit (over someone else?) Does that mean you are entitled to be rude to the girl who just started working at the restaurant you're eating at, and made a mistake that you can easily overlook? Instead of giving into our initial desire to complain about those moments, or flipping out on someone else, take a moment to rise above that. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

What I am is proposing is a shift in how we view things that commonly offend us & changing the focus in our brain to something good. 

That sounds so hard, right? It's cause it is. It's hard to re-program the way we've responded to offensive behavior our entire life. When you're a toddler and someone takes your toy away, you get angry. You had it first. You want it back. So you allow those emotions to take over & your behavior reflects that. As adults, we can't just throw hissy fits whenever we are slighted. 

Make the choice to be different.

Even if no one will ever notice that you are rising above the problem, you are choosing a path that will inevitably lead to less anger & frustration from outside factors (& less stress from being out in the world, only to walk through your front door & release a big sigh of relief that you no longer have to withstand the urge to freak out on someone..) & more joy at the fact that you have the ability to be happy.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day. I was in my own zone (as I often am when I am on a task oriented mission - such as getting food at the grocery store and carrying it all back to my apt.) & a lady got in line behind me. She looked frazzled & annoyed that she had to wait in line. I caught her eye & I smiled. At a total stranger. & you know what? She smiled back.

If you make the choice to be happy in life, it will show. It will impact those around you. & that's a great way to live. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani

On focusing on the good

Everyone around me is rushing to get from one place to the next. Phones are shielding the faces of the strangers I am brushing against on the sidewalk. The crowd gathers as we wait to get through the security stop at the metro station. I feel people pushing and jostling me as they try to form a queue. I feel the tension mount as I am passed by. I feel my chest tighten. Anger and frustration builds. I can feel all these emotions as the strangers around me rush to the front, as the line's build, as the crowds gather. I want to make these people realize that what they are doing isn't fair.
"I was here first" is echoing in my head.
"Why do you think it's ok to push ahead of me!?" I say under my breath.
No one pays an ounce of attention to me as I shift my weight, muttering things to myself, obviously annoyed. The metro doors open, we rush inside, and we wait to arrive at our destination.

I settle in against the wall. I take a few deep breaths. I try to remind myself that it doesn't matter.
"Then why do I get so upset when I feel slighted!?"
The conversation in my mind picks up.
"Because, you think you know how everyone else should behave."...

The train picks up speed & I feel my thoughts swirling. We get to a massive interchange stop & a new swarm of people shuffle onto the car. & then it happens. The stranger that just pushed his way onto the car, with his phone inches from his face, rises up from his seat to let an old woman with a heavy backpack take his seat. The conversation in my mind shifts. 

I can focus on the moments of frustration, the times I feel like things aren't "fair." When I am cut in front of in line, or pushed into a crowded metro car, or walked into by an absentminded pedestrian. I can focus on those moments, and I have, so many times. I've fumed for 15 minutes after someone cut me in line. I ruminate for way longer than I should. I struggle with this. It is a very real problem.

Negativity affects so many things. I've watched how I feel after allowing myself to give into the anger & then how I feel if I just take a breath and move past it. It's not an easy choice. I am so wrapped up in wanting the person who offended me to know that they did something wrong. I feel like that's part of my frustration -- there's no awareness. It just happens. 

But, I still have a choice.

I can seethe, fume, and throw a mental temper tantrum because someone acted a certain way. Or, I can take a deep breath. Realize that it's not worth it. Realize it's not worth the tension and the anger. Realize that there's something else I can focus on instead.

I can focus on the good in the situation. I can focus on the kindness that this stranger on the metro displayed, by giving up his seat for someone else. I can focus on the fact that I have two strong legs that can hold me up during a 20 minute metro ride. I can focus on the fact that there is a metro to take me to where I need to go.  I can focus on the fact that I can spare all of 3 seconds to allow someone else get into the car ahead of me. I'm not in that much of a rush. I can slow down. I can allow kindness into those moments and smile at those that slight me instead of glaring at them, hoping they'll pick up on my obviously (obviously!) warranted frustration. 

My challenge for this week is to focus on the good. Focus on the positives in the unfortunate things that happen & focus on being happier because of it. What do I gain from glaring at a stranger? For hissing under my breath because someone walked into me on the sidewalk? Nothing. 

I can gain happiness. I can gain joy. 

I am alive. I am breathing. 

That's enough.

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani

On comfort zones

I remember when I was sitting in this same Starbucks two days after moving here. I felt so alone and frustrated with my current surroundings. I remember the gloom in the seemingly endless clouds and the long hours that I had to kill before Jeremy would be off work. I remember looking out these windows up at our hotel that was a short walk away. I am again looking up at that hotel window on the 44th floor & I'm being reminded that my life has changed, dramatically. I have been learning who I am as a person. I am learning about what I'm capable of & what I am still struggling with. Being thrown into an uncomfortable situation causes you to grow up and grow up fast. The beauty of all of this is that I am starting to feel that & really feel it. Like it took me moving to China to get me to drop the facade & work on the things going on in my heart. I am learning about patience, I am learning about trust, I am learning about kindness. I am learning to open my heart to things or people I would have turned a blind eye to before. All of it is so raw, so without filter. It is there, in my face & I can either pretend like It's not my responsibility to work on it, or move into it & learn. I feel like things are shifting so much. & so differently. I have successes & setbacks on a daily basis. 

Life's greatest moments are made from uncomfortable situations, I am sure of it. I have felt some of the biggest challenges of my life here. Most of them being more internal but some have been external & the high that follows those moments of victory -- they are unreal and tip the scales of any sort of excitement I felt before. Comfort zones are something you should live in only briefly. Once you realize that you're comfortable, you should work to move out of that place. Expand the horizons of your life by opening up the doors of newness instead of kicking off your shoes & making yourself at home in the comfort zone. That's not your home, it has never been your home. Your home is out there, out in the newness of the unknown & the challenging. In the moments where you feel like you can't breathe from anxiety but suddenly, you realize what you are capable of & everything melts away into a wash of relief. You can do this, you are good enough. 

Comfort zones are just that. They are zones, not homes.

I am feeling like I am on the brink of big & exciting things. I will be going back to the states for two months in September to complete my yoga teacher training & for Amy, my lovely SIL's wedding. I still can't believe that girl is getting married. I feel like I will be viewing life there like I am the snowman inside a snow globe; slightly reserved but eager to experience. It's astounding to me how life can change so vastly in such a relatively short amount of time. One year ago from now I was packing up my small apartment, preparing to be apart from my husband for a month while he started his journey in China as an English teacher. I was newly married & feeling like I couldn't possibly be brave enough to live in such a foreign place, leaving all that I knew, everything my life consisted of (minus Jeremy) behind. But look, I did. I am. 

Life will take you places you are not expecting. You won't be prepared for them & certainly not always open to them. It will be the hardest thing to welcome those moments of uncertainty & anxiety. But,

it is in those moments that we are defined; overcoming the fear & coming out victorious on the other side.

We can only grow when we allow ourselves to roam outside that zone. Move into a place of uncharted territory & smile because you are accepting that challenge. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani