On focusing on the good | pt. 2

So, I had a challenge this week to "focus on the good" in various situations that I encountered. I wanted to report back on how that frame of mind changed my feelings toward those moments that made me feel trampled & slighted.

What I found was that in those moments, (being cut in line, pushed onto the metro, etc.), I still felt upset at the action. I still felt like I was being wronged. But, I noticed something that held a spark of something that, with work, will hopefully be a habit ingrained in me to the point that I won't even have to think of it as work, but just as normal living.

When someone would cut me in line, I would feel that same old anger rise up. I would feel the tension build. Then, I reminded myself of my challenge. "I am not going to let this affect me. I have that choice." I took a deep breath. Sometimes it dissipated my anger. Sometimes it didn't. Those situations were harder. Sometimes I took my normal sarcastic, passive aggressive approach, and I would get angry, start to fume, then look at the person and laugh. Like, "Oh wow, you're an amazing human being for cutting in front of someone else." Which, sadly, was also the wrong way to go about it.

So, let's talk about the takeaways from this:

I found the ability to take a deep breath & ignore the problem got easier as the week went on. It's a concept of building a habit & being very intentional when I leave my house each day.

I struggled to find a "good" alternative to replace the "bad" that I was feeling. I didn't focus on the apples that looked especially good (& cheap) when someone at the produce weigher side swiped me with her shopping cart. I didn't hum a happy song when someone spit on the ground in front of me as I was walking. This isn't something that's just going to happen. I have to make an effort to find something good to attach my attention to.

I still had a lot of bad moments. I still found myself glaring at people for their rudeness, but I also found those moments dwindled more & more as the week progressed.

So, more deep breaths. More intentional searching for a good to replace the bad. & definitely more attention to the goal as a whole -- so it becomes a habit and not something I only do when I'm feeling up to it.

A point that I am trying to make is that there can be a shift in how we think when it comes to our day to day experiences with other people. I don't have to be rude just because I'm having a less-than-great day. I can control my feelings. I can make an effort to be the change. I have felt that pull of "being the change" in the eyes of the people I am in contact with here, and it's only gotten stronger the longer that I've been here. What does that mean, to "be the change"?

We are programmed to think for ourselves. We look for ways to "get ahead" in every day life. We live in a society that rewards the independent, the strong, the "cut throat" & the determined. What does that look like? Does it have to equate to yelling at the barista at starbucks when they forgot your whipped cream on the top of your frappachino? Does that mean arranging things in your day so that you get the highest benefit (over someone else?) Does that mean you are entitled to be rude to the girl who just started working at the restaurant you're eating at, and made a mistake that you can easily overlook? Instead of giving into our initial desire to complain about those moments, or flipping out on someone else, take a moment to rise above that. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

What I am is proposing is a shift in how we view things that commonly offend us & changing the focus in our brain to something good. 

That sounds so hard, right? It's cause it is. It's hard to re-program the way we've responded to offensive behavior our entire life. When you're a toddler and someone takes your toy away, you get angry. You had it first. You want it back. So you allow those emotions to take over & your behavior reflects that. As adults, we can't just throw hissy fits whenever we are slighted. 

Make the choice to be different.

Even if no one will ever notice that you are rising above the problem, you are choosing a path that will inevitably lead to less anger & frustration from outside factors (& less stress from being out in the world, only to walk through your front door & release a big sigh of relief that you no longer have to withstand the urge to freak out on someone..) & more joy at the fact that you have the ability to be happy.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day. I was in my own zone (as I often am when I am on a task oriented mission - such as getting food at the grocery store and carrying it all back to my apt.) & a lady got in line behind me. She looked frazzled & annoyed that she had to wait in line. I caught her eye & I smiled. At a total stranger. & you know what? She smiled back.

If you make the choice to be happy in life, it will show. It will impact those around you. & that's a great way to live. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani

On focusing on the good

Everyone around me is rushing to get from one place to the next. Phones are shielding the faces of the strangers I am brushing against on the sidewalk. The crowd gathers as we wait to get through the security stop at the metro station. I feel people pushing and jostling me as they try to form a queue. I feel the tension mount as I am passed by. I feel my chest tighten. Anger and frustration builds. I can feel all these emotions as the strangers around me rush to the front, as the line's build, as the crowds gather. I want to make these people realize that what they are doing isn't fair.
"I was here first" is echoing in my head.
"Why do you think it's ok to push ahead of me!?" I say under my breath.
No one pays an ounce of attention to me as I shift my weight, muttering things to myself, obviously annoyed. The metro doors open, we rush inside, and we wait to arrive at our destination.

I settle in against the wall. I take a few deep breaths. I try to remind myself that it doesn't matter.
"Then why do I get so upset when I feel slighted!?"
The conversation in my mind picks up.
"Because, you think you know how everyone else should behave."...

The train picks up speed & I feel my thoughts swirling. We get to a massive interchange stop & a new swarm of people shuffle onto the car. & then it happens. The stranger that just pushed his way onto the car, with his phone inches from his face, rises up from his seat to let an old woman with a heavy backpack take his seat. The conversation in my mind shifts. 

I can focus on the moments of frustration, the times I feel like things aren't "fair." When I am cut in front of in line, or pushed into a crowded metro car, or walked into by an absentminded pedestrian. I can focus on those moments, and I have, so many times. I've fumed for 15 minutes after someone cut me in line. I ruminate for way longer than I should. I struggle with this. It is a very real problem.

Negativity affects so many things. I've watched how I feel after allowing myself to give into the anger & then how I feel if I just take a breath and move past it. It's not an easy choice. I am so wrapped up in wanting the person who offended me to know that they did something wrong. I feel like that's part of my frustration -- there's no awareness. It just happens. 

But, I still have a choice.

I can seethe, fume, and throw a mental temper tantrum because someone acted a certain way. Or, I can take a deep breath. Realize that it's not worth it. Realize it's not worth the tension and the anger. Realize that there's something else I can focus on instead.

I can focus on the good in the situation. I can focus on the kindness that this stranger on the metro displayed, by giving up his seat for someone else. I can focus on the fact that I have two strong legs that can hold me up during a 20 minute metro ride. I can focus on the fact that there is a metro to take me to where I need to go.  I can focus on the fact that I can spare all of 3 seconds to allow someone else get into the car ahead of me. I'm not in that much of a rush. I can slow down. I can allow kindness into those moments and smile at those that slight me instead of glaring at them, hoping they'll pick up on my obviously (obviously!) warranted frustration. 

My challenge for this week is to focus on the good. Focus on the positives in the unfortunate things that happen & focus on being happier because of it. What do I gain from glaring at a stranger? For hissing under my breath because someone walked into me on the sidewalk? Nothing. 

I can gain happiness. I can gain joy. 

I am alive. I am breathing. 

That's enough.

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani