On focusing on the good | pt. 2

So, I had a challenge this week to "focus on the good" in various situations that I encountered. I wanted to report back on how that frame of mind changed my feelings toward those moments that made me feel trampled & slighted.

What I found was that in those moments, (being cut in line, pushed onto the metro, etc.), I still felt upset at the action. I still felt like I was being wronged. But, I noticed something that held a spark of something that, with work, will hopefully be a habit ingrained in me to the point that I won't even have to think of it as work, but just as normal living.

When someone would cut me in line, I would feel that same old anger rise up. I would feel the tension build. Then, I reminded myself of my challenge. "I am not going to let this affect me. I have that choice." I took a deep breath. Sometimes it dissipated my anger. Sometimes it didn't. Those situations were harder. Sometimes I took my normal sarcastic, passive aggressive approach, and I would get angry, start to fume, then look at the person and laugh. Like, "Oh wow, you're an amazing human being for cutting in front of someone else." Which, sadly, was also the wrong way to go about it.

So, let's talk about the takeaways from this:

I found the ability to take a deep breath & ignore the problem got easier as the week went on. It's a concept of building a habit & being very intentional when I leave my house each day.

I struggled to find a "good" alternative to replace the "bad" that I was feeling. I didn't focus on the apples that looked especially good (& cheap) when someone at the produce weigher side swiped me with her shopping cart. I didn't hum a happy song when someone spit on the ground in front of me as I was walking. This isn't something that's just going to happen. I have to make an effort to find something good to attach my attention to.

I still had a lot of bad moments. I still found myself glaring at people for their rudeness, but I also found those moments dwindled more & more as the week progressed.

So, more deep breaths. More intentional searching for a good to replace the bad. & definitely more attention to the goal as a whole -- so it becomes a habit and not something I only do when I'm feeling up to it.

A point that I am trying to make is that there can be a shift in how we think when it comes to our day to day experiences with other people. I don't have to be rude just because I'm having a less-than-great day. I can control my feelings. I can make an effort to be the change. I have felt that pull of "being the change" in the eyes of the people I am in contact with here, and it's only gotten stronger the longer that I've been here. What does that mean, to "be the change"?

We are programmed to think for ourselves. We look for ways to "get ahead" in every day life. We live in a society that rewards the independent, the strong, the "cut throat" & the determined. What does that look like? Does it have to equate to yelling at the barista at starbucks when they forgot your whipped cream on the top of your frappachino? Does that mean arranging things in your day so that you get the highest benefit (over someone else?) Does that mean you are entitled to be rude to the girl who just started working at the restaurant you're eating at, and made a mistake that you can easily overlook? Instead of giving into our initial desire to complain about those moments, or flipping out on someone else, take a moment to rise above that. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

What I am is proposing is a shift in how we view things that commonly offend us & changing the focus in our brain to something good. 

That sounds so hard, right? It's cause it is. It's hard to re-program the way we've responded to offensive behavior our entire life. When you're a toddler and someone takes your toy away, you get angry. You had it first. You want it back. So you allow those emotions to take over & your behavior reflects that. As adults, we can't just throw hissy fits whenever we are slighted. 

Make the choice to be different.

Even if no one will ever notice that you are rising above the problem, you are choosing a path that will inevitably lead to less anger & frustration from outside factors (& less stress from being out in the world, only to walk through your front door & release a big sigh of relief that you no longer have to withstand the urge to freak out on someone..) & more joy at the fact that you have the ability to be happy.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day. I was in my own zone (as I often am when I am on a task oriented mission - such as getting food at the grocery store and carrying it all back to my apt.) & a lady got in line behind me. She looked frazzled & annoyed that she had to wait in line. I caught her eye & I smiled. At a total stranger. & you know what? She smiled back.

If you make the choice to be happy in life, it will show. It will impact those around you. & that's a great way to live. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani