controlling perfect

perfectionism: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

This is a sad truth that I am revealing to you. One that many of you already are fully aware of.

I identify with this persona. I strive to avoid all things that are less than perfect.

Here's the thing. Perfection is relative. Also, "perfectionism" is sometimes a term that is just a mask for "an obsession with control."

Control is something we are constantly told to "let go of." Let go of the need to be right, let go of the need to do things a very specific, very structured way. Let go of the expectations & the destination. Focus on the now, the journey, the loss of things being just so. Let it be what makes you up, the body in which you are living your life in.

I am someone who is constantly picking a fight. I like to be right. I like to be right so much that I don't even see myself pushing back toward people I love until I have already done it & we are looking back on the conversation. I am refusing to admit that that was what was happening. That I had to be right. I find all sorts of other things to pin it on, "no, I don't care, I was simply saying..." 

No, see, no. 

You are becoming wrapped up in that deep drive. That force that refuses to yield. When life is made up of learning & failures & becoming better, you refuse. You think because you are "attempting at making yourself better," that you actually are. But deep down, at the core of the thing, you are stubborn & ultimately, right.

Here's my thought. Just stop with the constant movement going on in your brain. There's a simple answer. Allow the words to settle like dew on blades of grass. Do not send your ray of heat, like the morning sun, to evaporate that moment of growth. Everything is not an attack. Everything doesn't have to be defended or explained. You can allow that moment to wash over you like a fresh tidal wave. The salt water grazing your skin. 

Allow it. 

Allow this to happen.

Control does ugly things to a person. When they don't allow the control to recede from their minds, hearts & lips. They become a cage. A hollow shell that refuses to look in any other direction. I have always done this this way. I will always do this this way. No, darling, no. Life doesn't work this way & anyone who tells you that it does is wrong. 

Like you. 

You are wrong. 

Often. 

Maybe what you need to allow is the realization that right & wrong is not a death sentence, or a succession, or a white flag. It does not mean that you have lost your "perfection." It just makes you look selfish, arrogant & stagnant. You refuse to grow if you do not allow yourself room to let go of control. You are standing in the face of it & saying, "yep, I am refusing to grow because my pride is more important." It doesn't work this way. You holding on to the sand only makes it push more deeply past your fingers. You must loosen that grip, dear. It isn't about being a failure, although that is something that will have to be remedied in different ways, but releasing the all-encompassing need for control. To be cliche & let it go is the only way to welcome in the growth you so strongly desire. You must change to allow the change to occur. 

You aren't going to like it all the time. You will fight it in your head. You will make a snarky comment, or smirk, or be passive aggressive. You will want to overcome those split-second responses. And the most beautiful part is, you can. Just take a breath, look out into the distance, see the wave breaking & welcome it in with open arms. The crash may feel overwhelming, but the aftermath will be sweet. 

Don't stop there. Let the waves keep crashing over you. 

Allow it. 

Don't try to control the waves. You simply can not. 

You are in a special place, love. 

Just slow it all down until you have no choice but to let go of the desire to fight.

expat existence

life is a funny thing, sometimes.

we seek excitement, or change, only to feel overwhelmed by it when it hits us.

I wonder sometimes what the last few chapters of my "season in china" will look like.

My existence in this state can feel like a current flowing, back & forth. I don't always know what I'm doing where I am, or how I'm supposed to handle the things the present flow of life is throwing my way. I get restless, I feel caged, and I start to drown under the weight of all of it.

Perception does a lot to someone when they actually take the moment to reflect on the space it inhabits. I read a book about someone who's mother got cancer & the distress that created, and I shudder to think that I've ever complained about my life or living situation. As if I have any room for that when I am healthy & breathing.

I find I am frequently getting lost in identifying the most important things in my life. I feel pulled in various directions because of stigma's & expectations. I want to lead a healthy life here, mimicking the life I lead back home, where whole food's was close by, juice bars on every other corner, and the ability to run in fresh air were at my outstretched fingertips. The ability to choose those options because they were in my face constantly. There was no battle, I could just go & do. China has created a swirling vortex of challenges when it comes to my perception of health. I've had to get creative with my diet & exercise, and the motivation to stick with the things that have become so regimented in my life, so normal. So natural.

The expat life isn't one where you stick to the things you are used to. You may be able to find moments of familiarity; little gems hidden in pockets of a place. A juice bar that opens in your neighborhood, or a new sports store with yoga mats & hiking shoes available. But they are glimmers of what was once so easy in striving toward a healthy lifestyle.

I am so determined to stay healthy while I am here, that I jeopardize social connections (as they usually revolve around a mass meal of heavily oiled chinese food, or copious amounts of [sometimes fake] alcohol.) I usually choose to stay home & practice yoga or read a book than to go out and indulge in that lifestyle. It's a conundrum that I've been dealing with since I arrived. Few people, if any that I've met, have even a drop of desire to work towards a healthy lifestyle beyond trying a diet to shed a few pounds for an upcoming trip, or abstaining from drinking because it's lent. I choose to eat food I cook at home because I feel better about knowing what I'm putting inside my body, so it challenges the social aspect of "finding friends" in this city I live in. It's as if "health" has almost no place here.

This is a challenge that I am hoping to remedy, I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I feel out of place amongst the community of people who come here to have a good time & go out frequently.

Do I care too much? Am I living too stringently to allow life to happen & experience things that are new and rewarding? I fight daily with these feelings of health physically vs. potential health mentally - but I still fail to connect with others on a more intimate level. I crave real conversations that aren't just about weekend plans.

I want to work toward finding the balance without losing myself to one of the major things that I feel good about & that makes me happy - my health.

When you are so far removed from most of the things you enjoy - all the comforts of home, all the "easy" ways to connect - you cling to the things that fill you with those same feelings here. But man, do I often feel torn.

Find the balance, girl. You've got to find the balance.

Fitness & health are so strongly tied into my overall happiness & feelings of well being. It is hard for me to gain as much pleasure from eating a greasy meal with a few friends over sweating in the sun while doing sprints by the river. They are too totally different experiences - I would ordinarily choose the workout over the social stimulation. This makes me a little sad to think about now, as I am typing this.

What is more important, health or friendship?

Aren't they both equally something of value?