december

four sisters mountains in western sichuan

STARTING || to mentally prepare to begin another year. January comes and I usually feel disconnected through much of it. I'd like to prevent this this time.

FINISHING || the last of Banksy's shots so that he can go outside & meet new puppies & go for walks & just generally not be cooped up in the tiny apt all the time.

MAKING || pickled veggies for the first time ever.

CRAVING || mulled wine.

READING || the martian by Andy Weir

WATCHING || allllll the christmas movies.
LISTENING TO || this lady's sweet Christmas playlist(s).

WEARING || new slippers from uniqlo & my down vest.

EATING || whatever home baked goods I can get my hands on (mostly from other people because home girl is STILL without an oven.)

DRINKING  || night: chamomile tea. morning: BREWED COFFEE FROM OUR NEW COFFEE MAKER. Can I just say that I can't believe we didn't do this sooner? Two year of french pressing is far too long. #sosmooth #sotasty

LEARNING || how to make home made bone broth in response to a crazy bout of antibiotics that I'm currently on. Triple womp.

PRACTICING || letting go of things that no longer serve me.

WORKING || on not projecting my stresses. Deep breaths make it so much better.

PLAYING || fetch with Banksy in the hallway in our building, it's literally the most adorable thing ever that he's always understood the concept.

TRAVELING || to taiwaaaaaan. The beach, some mountains, a coastal bike trip & many jaunts around sweet neighborhoods are on the agenda.

WANTING || to feel better, physically. the cold feels like it's seeping into my bones already. Chengdu don't play no games with them wet winters.

PLANNING || a time when I'm back on the busy train. For now, gratitude for slower days = more time to be still and intentional with my actions instead of rushing 24/7.  

HOPING || for a much more exciting NYE this time around in China. Year 1 was good, year 2, not so much. Maybe it's about the odd years(?) But hey, no expectations.

December has been kind of a weird month so far. Jeremy and I got a puppy right after Thanksgiving. Something that we didn't think we would do until we returned to the US. (SO glad we didn't wait.) A Banksy post is in the works...

We bought another IKEA christmas tree, i lost a job, (China makes no sense sometimes,) made some new friends and  traveled to some gorgeous mountains (a post for that is in the works, as well.) 

Had many a moment where I felt like all of this was too much. That life can feel so out of control and heavy. I've learned that gratitude practice is a real thing. It's a real, tangible thing you can put on paper. That projecting happiness can help you to actually feel happier. That dogs are easily one of the best things in this world. That health should be celebrated every single day. That the leaves changing colors outside, although late in my mind, are still beautiful & a sign of something ending- only to start again anew.

December, you are cold foggy breaths, puppy kisses & white twinkle lights. You are reminders of life, that each day is a gift & that good things are all around me., always.

merry christmas, dear readers. may 2016 bring you much joy & happiness.

expat existence

life is a funny thing, sometimes.

we seek excitement, or change, only to feel overwhelmed by it when it hits us.

I wonder sometimes what the last few chapters of my "season in china" will look like.

My existence in this state can feel like a current flowing, back & forth. I don't always know what I'm doing where I am, or how I'm supposed to handle the things the present flow of life is throwing my way. I get restless, I feel caged, and I start to drown under the weight of all of it.

Perception does a lot to someone when they actually take the moment to reflect on the space it inhabits. I read a book about someone who's mother got cancer & the distress that created, and I shudder to think that I've ever complained about my life or living situation. As if I have any room for that when I am healthy & breathing.

I find I am frequently getting lost in identifying the most important things in my life. I feel pulled in various directions because of stigma's & expectations. I want to lead a healthy life here, mimicking the life I lead back home, where whole food's was close by, juice bars on every other corner, and the ability to run in fresh air were at my outstretched fingertips. The ability to choose those options because they were in my face constantly. There was no battle, I could just go & do. China has created a swirling vortex of challenges when it comes to my perception of health. I've had to get creative with my diet & exercise, and the motivation to stick with the things that have become so regimented in my life, so normal. So natural.

The expat life isn't one where you stick to the things you are used to. You may be able to find moments of familiarity; little gems hidden in pockets of a place. A juice bar that opens in your neighborhood, or a new sports store with yoga mats & hiking shoes available. But they are glimmers of what was once so easy in striving toward a healthy lifestyle.

I am so determined to stay healthy while I am here, that I jeopardize social connections (as they usually revolve around a mass meal of heavily oiled chinese food, or copious amounts of [sometimes fake] alcohol.) I usually choose to stay home & practice yoga or read a book than to go out and indulge in that lifestyle. It's a conundrum that I've been dealing with since I arrived. Few people, if any that I've met, have even a drop of desire to work towards a healthy lifestyle beyond trying a diet to shed a few pounds for an upcoming trip, or abstaining from drinking because it's lent. I choose to eat food I cook at home because I feel better about knowing what I'm putting inside my body, so it challenges the social aspect of "finding friends" in this city I live in. It's as if "health" has almost no place here.

This is a challenge that I am hoping to remedy, I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I feel out of place amongst the community of people who come here to have a good time & go out frequently.

Do I care too much? Am I living too stringently to allow life to happen & experience things that are new and rewarding? I fight daily with these feelings of health physically vs. potential health mentally - but I still fail to connect with others on a more intimate level. I crave real conversations that aren't just about weekend plans.

I want to work toward finding the balance without losing myself to one of the major things that I feel good about & that makes me happy - my health.

When you are so far removed from most of the things you enjoy - all the comforts of home, all the "easy" ways to connect - you cling to the things that fill you with those same feelings here. But man, do I often feel torn.

Find the balance, girl. You've got to find the balance.

Fitness & health are so strongly tied into my overall happiness & feelings of well being. It is hard for me to gain as much pleasure from eating a greasy meal with a few friends over sweating in the sun while doing sprints by the river. They are too totally different experiences - I would ordinarily choose the workout over the social stimulation. This makes me a little sad to think about now, as I am typing this.

What is more important, health or friendship?

Aren't they both equally something of value?