life is a funny thing, sometimes.
we seek excitement, or change, only to feel overwhelmed by it when it hits us.
I wonder sometimes what the last few chapters of my "season in china" will look like.
My existence in this state can feel like a current flowing, back & forth. I don't always know what I'm doing where I am, or how I'm supposed to handle the things the present flow of life is throwing my way. I get restless, I feel caged, and I start to drown under the weight of all of it.
Perception does a lot to someone when they actually take the moment to reflect on the space it inhabits. I read a book about someone who's mother got cancer & the distress that created, and I shudder to think that I've ever complained about my life or living situation. As if I have any room for that when I am healthy & breathing.
I find I am frequently getting lost in identifying the most important things in my life. I feel pulled in various directions because of stigma's & expectations. I want to lead a healthy life here, mimicking the life I lead back home, where whole food's was close by, juice bars on every other corner, and the ability to run in fresh air were at my outstretched fingertips. The
ability to choose those options because they were in my face constantly. There was no battle, I could just
go & do. China has created a swirling vortex of challenges when it comes to my perception of health. I've had to get creative with my diet & exercise, and the motivation to stick with the things that have become so regimented in my life, so normal. So natural.
The expat life isn't one where you stick to the things you are used to. You may be able to find moments of familiarity; little gems hidden in pockets of a place. A juice bar that opens in your neighborhood, or a new sports store with yoga mats & hiking shoes available. But they are glimmers of what was once so easy in striving toward a healthy lifestyle.
I am so determined to stay healthy while I am here, that I jeopardize social connections (as they usually revolve around a mass meal of heavily oiled chinese food, or copious amounts of [sometimes fake] alcohol.) I usually choose to stay home & practice yoga or read a book than to go out and indulge in that lifestyle. It's a conundrum that I've been dealing with since I arrived. Few people, if any that I've met, have even a drop of desire to work towards a healthy lifestyle beyond trying a diet to shed a few pounds for an upcoming trip, or abstaining from drinking because it's lent. I choose to eat food I cook at home because I feel better about knowing what I'm putting inside my body, so it challenges the social aspect of "finding friends" in this city I live in. It's as if "health" has
almost no place here.
This is a challenge that I am hoping to remedy, I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I feel out of place amongst the community of people who come here to have a good time & go out frequently.
Do I care too much? Am I living too stringently to allow life to happen & experience things that are new and rewarding? I fight daily with these feelings of health physically vs. potential health mentally - but I still fail to connect with others on a more intimate level. I crave real conversations that aren't just about weekend plans.
I want to work toward finding the balance without losing myself to one of the major things that I feel good about & that makes me happy - my health.
When you are so far removed from most of the things you enjoy - all the comforts of home, all the "easy" ways to connect - you cling to the things that fill you with those same feelings here. But man, do I often feel torn.
Find the balance, girl. You've got to find the balance.
Fitness & health are so strongly tied into my overall happiness & feelings of well being. It is hard for me to gain as much pleasure from eating a greasy meal with a few friends over sweating in the sun while doing sprints by the river. They are too totally different experiences - I would ordinarily choose the workout over the social stimulation. This makes me a little sad to think about now, as I am typing this.
What is more important, health or friendship?
Aren't they both equally something of value?
