september

one of the final sunsets witnessed in Chongqing.

STARTING || to make new friends in Chengdu. 

FINISHING || a season of taking the bus to leave my neighborhood every day. 

MAKING || lots of stri-frys because the baby oven didn't make the move.

CRAVING || INTERNET.

READING || The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami 

WATCHING || rain falling on all the walking city dwellers that I can see from my window.

LISTENING TO || The Well/Aware podcast. Really fresh stuff.

WEARING || My flyknits daily because the groceries aren't going to walk themselves home. 

EATING || All the mango I can get my hands on.

DRINKING || Peppermint tea before bed.

LEARNING || how to enjoy really long days with a broken computer & no internet (& did I mention it's been raining all of like one day while here!?) 

PRACTICING || My forearms stands & meeting new people (during which time I realize that I am actually an introvert & would rather sit in my apartment alone all day.)

WORKING || on deep breathing. On taking things one day at time. On trying to find the good in bad situations. 

PLAYING || the "where can I get free wi-fi?" game that does not entail a starbucks. 

TRAVELING || back & forth to IKEA for storage solutions. #oyvey

WANTING || to really be ok with owning less. Like, last month I mentioned that less is really good, but being absolutely ok with it is still a lofty goal for me. I still want all the things, pretty much all the time.

PLANNING || on all the glorious things I'm going to do on my new computer that is a mere month away from owning. I am currently typing this on my ipad with a wireless keyboard because my poor macbook is laying in a deconstructed pile on the coffee table. #allthetears

HOPING || for positive, uplifting people to enter my life. For less feelings of inadequacies. For more acceptance of change. For less rain so I can go exploring without my umbrella. 

Whew. Looking back at last month, I knew that I would regret all that "can't wait till September." talk & yeah, I totally do. I am on my second week with no internet at the new apartment, which, for the first few days was kind of refreshing. Dinner time was spent carried around an actual conversation, we didn't stare at our screens while lounging on the couch before bed. But now, man, those hours of no work & no social life are stacking up fast and I feel all kinds of down without the distractions of the internet world. It's a mixture of things, all under the umbrella of change. I know this isn't forever. It just feels like it at the present moment. Seeing as you will be reading this about halfway into the actual month of September, I can end this on a positive note by saying that October (& my awesome sister/brother in law's visit) is literally around the corner, along with new things that I can get excited about. Just gotta enjoy the slow days in the meantime.

September, you are making me feel like my life is too fast paced for you. But I will adjust. Slowly. 

controlling perfect

perfectionism: refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.

This is a sad truth that I am revealing to you. One that many of you already are fully aware of.

I identify with this persona. I strive to avoid all things that are less than perfect.

Here's the thing. Perfection is relative. Also, "perfectionism" is sometimes a term that is just a mask for "an obsession with control."

Control is something we are constantly told to "let go of." Let go of the need to be right, let go of the need to do things a very specific, very structured way. Let go of the expectations & the destination. Focus on the now, the journey, the loss of things being just so. Let it be what makes you up, the body in which you are living your life in.

I am someone who is constantly picking a fight. I like to be right. I like to be right so much that I don't even see myself pushing back toward people I love until I have already done it & we are looking back on the conversation. I am refusing to admit that that was what was happening. That I had to be right. I find all sorts of other things to pin it on, "no, I don't care, I was simply saying..." 

No, see, no. 

You are becoming wrapped up in that deep drive. That force that refuses to yield. When life is made up of learning & failures & becoming better, you refuse. You think because you are "attempting at making yourself better," that you actually are. But deep down, at the core of the thing, you are stubborn & ultimately, right.

Here's my thought. Just stop with the constant movement going on in your brain. There's a simple answer. Allow the words to settle like dew on blades of grass. Do not send your ray of heat, like the morning sun, to evaporate that moment of growth. Everything is not an attack. Everything doesn't have to be defended or explained. You can allow that moment to wash over you like a fresh tidal wave. The salt water grazing your skin. 

Allow it. 

Allow this to happen.

Control does ugly things to a person. When they don't allow the control to recede from their minds, hearts & lips. They become a cage. A hollow shell that refuses to look in any other direction. I have always done this this way. I will always do this this way. No, darling, no. Life doesn't work this way & anyone who tells you that it does is wrong. 

Like you. 

You are wrong. 

Often. 

Maybe what you need to allow is the realization that right & wrong is not a death sentence, or a succession, or a white flag. It does not mean that you have lost your "perfection." It just makes you look selfish, arrogant & stagnant. You refuse to grow if you do not allow yourself room to let go of control. You are standing in the face of it & saying, "yep, I am refusing to grow because my pride is more important." It doesn't work this way. You holding on to the sand only makes it push more deeply past your fingers. You must loosen that grip, dear. It isn't about being a failure, although that is something that will have to be remedied in different ways, but releasing the all-encompassing need for control. To be cliche & let it go is the only way to welcome in the growth you so strongly desire. You must change to allow the change to occur. 

You aren't going to like it all the time. You will fight it in your head. You will make a snarky comment, or smirk, or be passive aggressive. You will want to overcome those split-second responses. And the most beautiful part is, you can. Just take a breath, look out into the distance, see the wave breaking & welcome it in with open arms. The crash may feel overwhelming, but the aftermath will be sweet. 

Don't stop there. Let the waves keep crashing over you. 

Allow it. 

Don't try to control the waves. You simply can not. 

You are in a special place, love. 

Just slow it all down until you have no choice but to let go of the desire to fight.