change.

There's a shift in my surroundings lately. I'm picking up all the things I've collected over the past two years, or have travelled with across continents & oceans. I am getting rid of a lot of things, purging my closet of all the cast offs that were purchased without really giving thought to its needlessness.

I'm spending longer moments in the morning just taking in my surroundings. I am the most habitual create of habit in this wild kingdom. I enjoy routine, I enjoy systems, I enjoy the comfort of knowing what will happen next in my day. I make a very big effort to plan out the details so I have full control over all the possible outcomes. If I do this, then this may happen. Or may not happen. Ok. I need to be prepared for both. & when I'm not, I feel lost & incredibly grouchy.

Change is this for me. I feel lost & foggy. Like I can't get my thoughts together to start the day because I don't have a routine. I don't have structure to my existence.

This is something that is coming for me. Change in a big way.

I am moving to a new city in less than two weeks. I've been to this city a few times now, trying to get a small grasp at what is to come - how I will structure my life in this place. Fully formed with all it's foreign people - it's groups & circles. It's spinning wheel of normalcy, for so many.

I have moments when I am soaking up my morning, with my warm cup of coffee in my hand, looking out onto the quiet courtyard beyond the balcony. Birds joining in unison as the breeze sweeps hair into my face. I feel this comfort of knowing that mornings are this. They are slow steps walking across the wooden floor of the open space in this studio apartment. Yoga on the big windowsill. The dining room table, my desk. Hot baths when I need to think. Moving furniture to pack my yoga students in twice a week. Watercolor paints on the floor late at night when I need to release my thoughts. Steam rising through the kitchen when making tea, that fogs the balcony window in the living room. Afternoon naps on the long length of the couch, sleeping in an L shape because it helps to block the sunlight from my closed eyes. Running up the flights of stairs in the open space inside the building. The small rooftop landing that overlooks the neighborhood & downtown in the distance. Getting glances from the lady who takes out the trash - I always wonder what she is secretly thinking as she mops the floor outside our front door. Hanging damp clothing on our rack next to the hanging plants. Overlooking the dozen other buildings with clothing hanging on their balconies. The hushed distant sound of the buses and cars moving across the river. The way the table creaks when I am writing on it. The weight of our front door as I pull it closed behind me. The dim light that warms this space. This city that has taught me to be better, less reactive & more responsive.

I feel like there are many things about picking up & moving that will only produce more beautiful change, more opportunities to grow & more space to create. I know that no one loves change. We like comfort. We like to know that we can hold on to something & it won't disintegrate in our hands. It's just that initial moment of separation. That driving away from our home in the moving truck and knowing you may never be here again. That longing for all those moments you took for granted. I am feeling nostalgic for the present.

Reminder:
Nothing is forever.

cages.

rain is dripping steadily off the eaves of our building.

a stream of water falling to the earth, watering the ground, the life that blossoms & yields.

I awoke this mornings feeling heavy.

like my bones literally had weights attached to them - my ribs refusing to expand.

short breaths gasped in the morning light.

I got angry last night, I yelled.

I try to speak & find that I have lost my voice.

I wouldn't surrender, I was refusing.

I find that the rain watering the earth this morning is my lesson.

you can not grow without the water.

you may think you can, love, but you can't.

you will dry up & wither. you will stretch out your leaves turned brown & think you've got it all together. but you need the rain. you need to surrender. you need to be renewed, reminded. you need to let down the walls of pride that you build like a cage. you believe that it will protect you, that you are above it all - but it only ensnares you, wrapping you up in a reality that is so distant from the truth. you need the rain. you need to destroy the cage.

stop fighting the rain, love.

stop fighting.

happiness

I need to make my own happiness a priority.

in this time more than any other,

I need to find a tangible emersion of golden light.

I need to create a space that feels good to dwell in.

To wrap myself up in this place &

feel the goodness seep into my every pore.

I need to make my own happiness an every day pursuit.

The clouds, they hang low & heavy

but I refuse to let them in

clouding my mind;

my thoughts, a grey fog

bringing me to a place of sadness & dread.

I need to make my own happiness happen.

In the moments where I find nothing worth smiling about.

In the seconds that I find myself stare off into space.

Feeling alone, restless

discontent

frustrated.

those moments are the embers to the flame.

I can build a fire.

I need to make my own happiness real.

Not a figment of my mind.

Not a whisper of a thought.

A reality.

A truth that I can drench my soul in.

Happiness can be real.

It is a choice.

It is a struggle.

It is within my grasp.

It is a lot of things.

But it is not impossible.

It is not looking for a new home.

It is not picky or selfish.

It is here.

It is now.

I need to make happiness.

my own.

morning thoughts

China is doing some serious things to me. Over the course of the year, I've felt stretched; pulled taut like a hamstring in forward fold. This change has been difficult. Some of those who are very close to me have heard me complain about the differences here, the obstacles I've faced in making positive changes, and just the general "UGH"-ness that has ebbed & flowed since moving into this country.

Overall, it has been a change that I believe I could not have reached if I had stayed where I was. Going to work, going to class, sleeping, waking. It was so orderly & so structured. Moving to China, I've been pushed outside my comfort zone so much. Often times I felt so small & nonexistent. I felt so removed from everyone & everything.

One of the things I knew I would have as a constant were my friends & family back home. I knew that I would be able to reach out to them & because we were so close while I was physically in the same city/state/country as them, that for sure, we would remain tight even when I traveled to the other side of the world. For sure.

This is something that I've tried to work through on my own. Believing that I will get back what I give. That it's an endless cycle of give/receive. In friendship, especially long-distance, that just isn't always so. Life get's in the way. We get busy. We have to run errands, and go to work. We have to meet deadlines & make sure our kids are fed. We have to do... everything else. I understand real life. I left a really busy existence back in the states & I know completely how guilty I was of pushing people aside for what was on my to-do list. Making time for social interaction only when it was convenient for me, or when I had nothing better to do. The worst part about this is that it takes maybe 5 minutes to send a message to someone letting them know I was thinking of them. Or even less to send a text. I struggled with being the "bad friend" when I lived in my comfort zone. Now that I'm thousands of miles away, I've realized just how important relationships with people are & how we take them for granted when things are normal, familiar & rote.

You learn a lot about a person & how much they value your friendship when you move far away. You can see how important those interactions are & how you fit into their neat, planned, orderly lives. You can also see how maintaing a friendship is work. Something we are often too busy to add to our already over filled existences.

I travel back to the East coast in a little more than two weeks. I've been pondering what that will look like for some time. Where do I go from just stepping off the plane & hoping all those who say they love me or want to be a part of my life make the effort to push themselves out of their comfort zones enough to initiate a connection. 

I've been planning this trip to the "T" with transportation plans, who I will be staying with when, and for how long. How to make things as seamless as possible for those I will be spending lots of time with. Where to store all my millions of suitcases. How to see everyone that I want to see in such a limited amount of time.

I got to thinking this morning about all of these things & what being a friend (or a family member) means. How do we go out of our way to show someone that we love them & that their presence alone is something to be cherished and appreciated? How can I be a better friend to anyone that has been in the position I am about to be in?

We get comfortable in our lives & we don't put relationships as high as we ought. Being so far removed from anyone I was really close with (aside from J) has brought to light how bad of a friend I was before. Emails that would sit in my inbox for weeks, sometimes months. (oops.) Forgetting birthdays, or special occasions. When life is made up of social interactions and comings & goings - we don't always stop to realize how important those small interactions can be. The email, the text, the phone call (hah, what's that.) 

They are meaningful. 

They are to be cherished. 

Find the time to let those who you appreciate & care about KNOW that they are appreciated & cared for. Pick someone up at the airport. Drop off a coffee to someone at work. Do those things. 

They are lasting. 

They leave an imprint. 

I know now more than I ever did before that that is true. 

It is astounding to me how love can be so raw & physical when you think about it. I can say, "I love you" a million times - but when does there need to be some action behind those words? When do we need to push our own agenda aside to focus on another person's feelings or well-being - showing them love (even when it's not convenient.)

We need those connections. We need friendships. We need to feel like we belong. 

Be a good friend. 

Be someone who is dependable. 

Find ways to show that you love others. 

Make it a priority. 

Cherish the time you get with those you care about.
We don't know what tomorrow brings. 

Leave an imprint. Show love. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani