morning thoughts

China is doing some serious things to me. Over the course of the year, I've felt stretched; pulled taut like a hamstring in forward fold. This change has been difficult. Some of those who are very close to me have heard me complain about the differences here, the obstacles I've faced in making positive changes, and just the general "UGH"-ness that has ebbed & flowed since moving into this country.

Overall, it has been a change that I believe I could not have reached if I had stayed where I was. Going to work, going to class, sleeping, waking. It was so orderly & so structured. Moving to China, I've been pushed outside my comfort zone so much. Often times I felt so small & nonexistent. I felt so removed from everyone & everything.

One of the things I knew I would have as a constant were my friends & family back home. I knew that I would be able to reach out to them & because we were so close while I was physically in the same city/state/country as them, that for sure, we would remain tight even when I traveled to the other side of the world. For sure.

This is something that I've tried to work through on my own. Believing that I will get back what I give. That it's an endless cycle of give/receive. In friendship, especially long-distance, that just isn't always so. Life get's in the way. We get busy. We have to run errands, and go to work. We have to meet deadlines & make sure our kids are fed. We have to do... everything else. I understand real life. I left a really busy existence back in the states & I know completely how guilty I was of pushing people aside for what was on my to-do list. Making time for social interaction only when it was convenient for me, or when I had nothing better to do. The worst part about this is that it takes maybe 5 minutes to send a message to someone letting them know I was thinking of them. Or even less to send a text. I struggled with being the "bad friend" when I lived in my comfort zone. Now that I'm thousands of miles away, I've realized just how important relationships with people are & how we take them for granted when things are normal, familiar & rote.

You learn a lot about a person & how much they value your friendship when you move far away. You can see how important those interactions are & how you fit into their neat, planned, orderly lives. You can also see how maintaing a friendship is work. Something we are often too busy to add to our already over filled existences.

I travel back to the East coast in a little more than two weeks. I've been pondering what that will look like for some time. Where do I go from just stepping off the plane & hoping all those who say they love me or want to be a part of my life make the effort to push themselves out of their comfort zones enough to initiate a connection. 

I've been planning this trip to the "T" with transportation plans, who I will be staying with when, and for how long. How to make things as seamless as possible for those I will be spending lots of time with. Where to store all my millions of suitcases. How to see everyone that I want to see in such a limited amount of time.

I got to thinking this morning about all of these things & what being a friend (or a family member) means. How do we go out of our way to show someone that we love them & that their presence alone is something to be cherished and appreciated? How can I be a better friend to anyone that has been in the position I am about to be in?

We get comfortable in our lives & we don't put relationships as high as we ought. Being so far removed from anyone I was really close with (aside from J) has brought to light how bad of a friend I was before. Emails that would sit in my inbox for weeks, sometimes months. (oops.) Forgetting birthdays, or special occasions. When life is made up of social interactions and comings & goings - we don't always stop to realize how important those small interactions can be. The email, the text, the phone call (hah, what's that.) 

They are meaningful. 

They are to be cherished. 

Find the time to let those who you appreciate & care about KNOW that they are appreciated & cared for. Pick someone up at the airport. Drop off a coffee to someone at work. Do those things. 

They are lasting. 

They leave an imprint. 

I know now more than I ever did before that that is true. 

It is astounding to me how love can be so raw & physical when you think about it. I can say, "I love you" a million times - but when does there need to be some action behind those words? When do we need to push our own agenda aside to focus on another person's feelings or well-being - showing them love (even when it's not convenient.)

We need those connections. We need friendships. We need to feel like we belong. 

Be a good friend. 

Be someone who is dependable. 

Find ways to show that you love others. 

Make it a priority. 

Cherish the time you get with those you care about.
We don't know what tomorrow brings. 

Leave an imprint. Show love. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani

a moment

The air is thick.

The path we are on is old.

A shoe worn trail leads us down along the river.

Large pillars of concrete & steel mark the shoreline.

The metro hums overhead, passengers coming & going.

Thick brush kiss my ankles as we move along.

I step over some old, shattered concrete. 

I move down the crumbling stone steps.

I leave him behind.

He gazes out at the water.

I look down.

Old plastic bottles linger along the waters edge.

There are some old men fishing in the distance.

They are standing perfectly still.

I don't even warrant their attention.

I climb onto a concrete pillar. 

I step carefully to it's edge.

I look out at what is in front of me.

Buildings.

Water.

The sun casting sparkles of light.

I see the mountains with more buildings to my left.

I see the bridge I ride over every day to my right.

I close my eyes for just a second.

I take a deep breath.

I can smell the fish & the bobbing trash hit my senses.

I shift my attention.

I feel the warmth radiating toward me even though I am covered by the bridges that are above me.

I hear him say, "sometimes you just need a reminder."

A reminder.

This is a reminder.

I am here.

I grip the edge of the concrete pillar.

I look out again at the water.

The water that reminds me so much of home.

"What is home?" I ask myself.

Is it where I've been?

Is it where I'll end up?

I hear the sounds of the city echoing.

"You can make this your home."

I look up at him, standing in the distance.

I smile as he looks toward me.

The water is lapping softly.

The warmth encases me.

In this moment,

this is my home.

On focusing on the good | pt. 2

So, I had a challenge this week to "focus on the good" in various situations that I encountered. I wanted to report back on how that frame of mind changed my feelings toward those moments that made me feel trampled & slighted.

What I found was that in those moments, (being cut in line, pushed onto the metro, etc.), I still felt upset at the action. I still felt like I was being wronged. But, I noticed something that held a spark of something that, with work, will hopefully be a habit ingrained in me to the point that I won't even have to think of it as work, but just as normal living.

When someone would cut me in line, I would feel that same old anger rise up. I would feel the tension build. Then, I reminded myself of my challenge. "I am not going to let this affect me. I have that choice." I took a deep breath. Sometimes it dissipated my anger. Sometimes it didn't. Those situations were harder. Sometimes I took my normal sarcastic, passive aggressive approach, and I would get angry, start to fume, then look at the person and laugh. Like, "Oh wow, you're an amazing human being for cutting in front of someone else." Which, sadly, was also the wrong way to go about it.

So, let's talk about the takeaways from this:

I found the ability to take a deep breath & ignore the problem got easier as the week went on. It's a concept of building a habit & being very intentional when I leave my house each day.

I struggled to find a "good" alternative to replace the "bad" that I was feeling. I didn't focus on the apples that looked especially good (& cheap) when someone at the produce weigher side swiped me with her shopping cart. I didn't hum a happy song when someone spit on the ground in front of me as I was walking. This isn't something that's just going to happen. I have to make an effort to find something good to attach my attention to.

I still had a lot of bad moments. I still found myself glaring at people for their rudeness, but I also found those moments dwindled more & more as the week progressed.

So, more deep breaths. More intentional searching for a good to replace the bad. & definitely more attention to the goal as a whole -- so it becomes a habit and not something I only do when I'm feeling up to it.

A point that I am trying to make is that there can be a shift in how we think when it comes to our day to day experiences with other people. I don't have to be rude just because I'm having a less-than-great day. I can control my feelings. I can make an effort to be the change. I have felt that pull of "being the change" in the eyes of the people I am in contact with here, and it's only gotten stronger the longer that I've been here. What does that mean, to "be the change"?

We are programmed to think for ourselves. We look for ways to "get ahead" in every day life. We live in a society that rewards the independent, the strong, the "cut throat" & the determined. What does that look like? Does it have to equate to yelling at the barista at starbucks when they forgot your whipped cream on the top of your frappachino? Does that mean arranging things in your day so that you get the highest benefit (over someone else?) Does that mean you are entitled to be rude to the girl who just started working at the restaurant you're eating at, and made a mistake that you can easily overlook? Instead of giving into our initial desire to complain about those moments, or flipping out on someone else, take a moment to rise above that. You have a choice. You always have a choice.

What I am is proposing is a shift in how we view things that commonly offend us & changing the focus in our brain to something good. 

That sounds so hard, right? It's cause it is. It's hard to re-program the way we've responded to offensive behavior our entire life. When you're a toddler and someone takes your toy away, you get angry. You had it first. You want it back. So you allow those emotions to take over & your behavior reflects that. As adults, we can't just throw hissy fits whenever we are slighted. 

Make the choice to be different.

Even if no one will ever notice that you are rising above the problem, you are choosing a path that will inevitably lead to less anger & frustration from outside factors (& less stress from being out in the world, only to walk through your front door & release a big sigh of relief that you no longer have to withstand the urge to freak out on someone..) & more joy at the fact that you have the ability to be happy.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day. I was in my own zone (as I often am when I am on a task oriented mission - such as getting food at the grocery store and carrying it all back to my apt.) & a lady got in line behind me. She looked frazzled & annoyed that she had to wait in line. I caught her eye & I smiled. At a total stranger. & you know what? She smiled back.

If you make the choice to be happy in life, it will show. It will impact those around you. & that's a great way to live. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e ,

Dani

On focusing on the good

Everyone around me is rushing to get from one place to the next. Phones are shielding the faces of the strangers I am brushing against on the sidewalk. The crowd gathers as we wait to get through the security stop at the metro station. I feel people pushing and jostling me as they try to form a queue. I feel the tension mount as I am passed by. I feel my chest tighten. Anger and frustration builds. I can feel all these emotions as the strangers around me rush to the front, as the line's build, as the crowds gather. I want to make these people realize that what they are doing isn't fair.
"I was here first" is echoing in my head.
"Why do you think it's ok to push ahead of me!?" I say under my breath.
No one pays an ounce of attention to me as I shift my weight, muttering things to myself, obviously annoyed. The metro doors open, we rush inside, and we wait to arrive at our destination.

I settle in against the wall. I take a few deep breaths. I try to remind myself that it doesn't matter.
"Then why do I get so upset when I feel slighted!?"
The conversation in my mind picks up.
"Because, you think you know how everyone else should behave."...

The train picks up speed & I feel my thoughts swirling. We get to a massive interchange stop & a new swarm of people shuffle onto the car. & then it happens. The stranger that just pushed his way onto the car, with his phone inches from his face, rises up from his seat to let an old woman with a heavy backpack take his seat. The conversation in my mind shifts. 

I can focus on the moments of frustration, the times I feel like things aren't "fair." When I am cut in front of in line, or pushed into a crowded metro car, or walked into by an absentminded pedestrian. I can focus on those moments, and I have, so many times. I've fumed for 15 minutes after someone cut me in line. I ruminate for way longer than I should. I struggle with this. It is a very real problem.

Negativity affects so many things. I've watched how I feel after allowing myself to give into the anger & then how I feel if I just take a breath and move past it. It's not an easy choice. I am so wrapped up in wanting the person who offended me to know that they did something wrong. I feel like that's part of my frustration -- there's no awareness. It just happens. 

But, I still have a choice.

I can seethe, fume, and throw a mental temper tantrum because someone acted a certain way. Or, I can take a deep breath. Realize that it's not worth it. Realize it's not worth the tension and the anger. Realize that there's something else I can focus on instead.

I can focus on the good in the situation. I can focus on the kindness that this stranger on the metro displayed, by giving up his seat for someone else. I can focus on the fact that I have two strong legs that can hold me up during a 20 minute metro ride. I can focus on the fact that there is a metro to take me to where I need to go.  I can focus on the fact that I can spare all of 3 seconds to allow someone else get into the car ahead of me. I'm not in that much of a rush. I can slow down. I can allow kindness into those moments and smile at those that slight me instead of glaring at them, hoping they'll pick up on my obviously (obviously!) warranted frustration. 

My challenge for this week is to focus on the good. Focus on the positives in the unfortunate things that happen & focus on being happier because of it. What do I gain from glaring at a stranger? For hissing under my breath because someone walked into me on the sidewalk? Nothing. 

I can gain happiness. I can gain joy. 

I am alive. I am breathing. 

That's enough.

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani

a moment

34 floors up, I make my way to my rooftop. 

The sun is moving quickly to it's bed in the sky. 

I can feel the thick air, warm with the heat from the day envelope me as I unroll my yoga mat for my evening practice. 

I can hear the cicadas humming many floors below.

I hear the soft murmur of the evening traffic in the distance. 

I see the birds taking a rest on the beams that line the rooftop. 

I turn on some music. 

I take a deep breath.

I feel the air travel to my lungs. 

I outstretch my fingers to the sky.

I feel the weight of my body shift as I come into forward fold. 

I take a half lift, then extend my arms to the mat. 

I move through sun salutations.

The shadows lengthen. 

The breeze picks up. 

I notice the sky to my right. 

It is becoming dark & ominous. 

The air feels electric. 

I know what's coming.

I take a few more deep breaths as I close my practice. 

I watch as the sky continues to shift.

to change. 

The clouds becoming more defined in some areas, and completely lost in others. 

I see the last bit of pink light from the sun reflecting off the clouds behind me. 

I see the moon. 

I feel the movement of the wind against my skin. 

I can not move from this spot. 

I am enamored with the beauty of the sky. 

Of this creation. 

Of this place that I found that I call my own. 

The warm breeze, the dark clouds, the pink sky. 

I am overcome with the feeling that God was literally painting this sky for me. 

Nothing else mattered in that moment. 

I felt whole. 

I felt alive.

On comfort zones

I remember when I was sitting in this same Starbucks two days after moving here. I felt so alone and frustrated with my current surroundings. I remember the gloom in the seemingly endless clouds and the long hours that I had to kill before Jeremy would be off work. I remember looking out these windows up at our hotel that was a short walk away. I am again looking up at that hotel window on the 44th floor & I'm being reminded that my life has changed, dramatically. I have been learning who I am as a person. I am learning about what I'm capable of & what I am still struggling with. Being thrown into an uncomfortable situation causes you to grow up and grow up fast. The beauty of all of this is that I am starting to feel that & really feel it. Like it took me moving to China to get me to drop the facade & work on the things going on in my heart. I am learning about patience, I am learning about trust, I am learning about kindness. I am learning to open my heart to things or people I would have turned a blind eye to before. All of it is so raw, so without filter. It is there, in my face & I can either pretend like It's not my responsibility to work on it, or move into it & learn. I feel like things are shifting so much. & so differently. I have successes & setbacks on a daily basis. 

Life's greatest moments are made from uncomfortable situations, I am sure of it. I have felt some of the biggest challenges of my life here. Most of them being more internal but some have been external & the high that follows those moments of victory -- they are unreal and tip the scales of any sort of excitement I felt before. Comfort zones are something you should live in only briefly. Once you realize that you're comfortable, you should work to move out of that place. Expand the horizons of your life by opening up the doors of newness instead of kicking off your shoes & making yourself at home in the comfort zone. That's not your home, it has never been your home. Your home is out there, out in the newness of the unknown & the challenging. In the moments where you feel like you can't breathe from anxiety but suddenly, you realize what you are capable of & everything melts away into a wash of relief. You can do this, you are good enough. 

Comfort zones are just that. They are zones, not homes.

I am feeling like I am on the brink of big & exciting things. I will be going back to the states for two months in September to complete my yoga teacher training & for Amy, my lovely SIL's wedding. I still can't believe that girl is getting married. I feel like I will be viewing life there like I am the snowman inside a snow globe; slightly reserved but eager to experience. It's astounding to me how life can change so vastly in such a relatively short amount of time. One year ago from now I was packing up my small apartment, preparing to be apart from my husband for a month while he started his journey in China as an English teacher. I was newly married & feeling like I couldn't possibly be brave enough to live in such a foreign place, leaving all that I knew, everything my life consisted of (minus Jeremy) behind. But look, I did. I am. 

Life will take you places you are not expecting. You won't be prepared for them & certainly not always open to them. It will be the hardest thing to welcome those moments of uncertainty & anxiety. But,

it is in those moments that we are defined; overcoming the fear & coming out victorious on the other side.

We can only grow when we allow ourselves to roam outside that zone. Move into a place of uncharted territory & smile because you are accepting that challenge. 

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani

A New Beginning - Latitude x Longitude

Alright, I'm trying this again.

The blogging world has been taunting me since I got to China & as much as I want to be one of those hip people with a blog (sometimes), I really get overwhelmed by the process of creating a blog baby & knowing that it's a commitment of sorts to keep up with. 

People back home ask me what my life is like in China & I want to tell them everything and nothing at the same time because, let's face it, most of the time, there's just too much. Too many moments that I don't always want to experience again, or would love to explain but no amount of words would explain the experience adequately. So, as much as I'd like to say this blog is for you, it's not. It's for me. It's a way for me to be honest with myself, dipping into my subconscious -- but also a way to give you a little peak into life in this new country. Alright, yes, it's not as new as it was 11 months ago when I moved here (!!!!) but it's still different. It still has it's slew of trials & challenges. 

I want to write more. That's a big part of why I'm here too. I will try my hardest to be transparent & real with my experiences. It's easy to fluff things up for the enjoyment of others. I understand people read blogs for two reasons, to be informed of something or to be entertained. I am not looking to entertain. I wrote my first "blog" post when I was back in Shanghai during the 3 week stint that I was there before we relocated to Chongqing, which is where I currently live. The post was full of melodramatic nonsense & things that, reading now, make me cringe. I was seeking the response I would get from people.. "no way, you live THERE!?"... yes. I live in China. It's hard but not as hard as many other people's living situations are.

My husband, Jeremy, likes to tell me that you make your own happiness. Something I am trying to wrap my mind around. That means that whether I am in Norfolk, Virginia, Washington DC, Kenya or China -- I am fully equipped to look beyond what may trouble me & create a new happiness. Will it always be easy? No. Life is hard, people. I'm not immune to stuff that sucks. I miss many things from home. I miss chipotle guacamole & riding my bike early in the morning. I miss coffee shops on every corner & the ability to drive 30 mins to see the ocean. But, that doesn't mean those are the ONLY things that equate to happiness.My mind had a plan set for my life beyond high school. Did anything in that plan go the way I had envisioned? No. Not a single thing. & that's ok. I am going to tell you that this is a journey to find happiness whereever I am & not always dream of the bigger & better. Life is made up of these small moments. We spend too much time yearning for the next big thing. Life happens in those moments of in between. 

So, this is where I am. These are my thoughts & experiences. I encourage all of you to seek happiness in your own lives, whether you've actually "made it" according to what your brain tells you equates to "success." Making an effort to work outside of your mental boundaries. I didn't choose the place that I am in & that's ok too. 

I hope you get a bigger picture of my life here & I appreciate all of you for supporting me & Jer on this journey.

b e  t h e  c h a n g e,

Dani